letoldthingsdie | Inbox for prismatica

[ She doesn't turn to look at him, her shoulders tense as she continues to flex her fingers, hands furling and unfurling into fists. ]

I know that. But why does it matter? Why would it matter if he knew what we were to each other? He can't do anything with that information, you're his boss.

He clearly doesn't seem to care about that or he would have done when I asked when I told him to stay out of my affairs.

[His voice is rising, his attempt at calm slipping. He follows her then, his teeth gritted and hands clenched. He wanted to touch her, to pull her against him and make her forget this entire conversation.]

I told him that I was using you because I had hoped he would deem this unimportant to his interests, but I see now he found a way to use it.

[ She feels him move into her space but she still doesn't turn to look at him, it's easier to hold onto her anger if she isn't looking him in the eyes. Even gold and alien those eyes are the eyes of the man she loves. ]

We were dressed up at a party together. You don't do that with girls you're just fucking. I know I'm new to this but even I know that. I'm sure he figured that out, too.

[The fact that she refuses to look at him only makes him more angry. His fists were practically shaking with how hard he had them curled. His voice shook too, barely concealing that anger.]

I know that. I just- I didn't know how to explain it away.

[Which he shouldn't have to, given that they were doing nothing wrong. He had miscalculated, become afraid of what he would be acknowledging. It was one thing to think it but another to say it out loud.]

Edited 2020-01-08 18:59 (UTC)

[ Rey's face crumbles as he says that, her shoulders hunching as she crosses her arms in front of her. She knows it shouldn't bother her so much, but if someone whose opinion was supposedly so inconsequential doesn't get the real story what about those who have value? ]

Why explain it away? We're together. We care about each other. Does his opinion on that matter so much?

He could use it to hurt you, which is exactly what he's done. We were too- too careless. I should have warned you about him first and I should have made sure he wouldn't see us. I just- I didn't want him sticking his nose in things, asking questions. As far as he knows, you're the one who killed Snoke.

[Which is exactly the crux of the issue that he had been wanting to avoid talking about. With that 'fact' called into question, Hux might start asking what really happened and his power grab would have been for nothing.]

Hux is weak - a snake in the grass. Once he sees even an ounce of weakness, a crack for him to slip into, he exploits it. He uses it like a tool. It's exactly what Snoke would do.

[Exactly what he did do, if his assertions about their connection are to be believed. He didn't, of course. It would have stopped after he had died.]

[ There's a lot there for her to unpack, but the thing that echoes in her mind is that Hux thinks she killed Snoke. She'd wondered about that, of course. Though given how much of a mess the First Order was she'd wondered if maybe they just accepted one leader killing another. She does turn now, her eyes burning as she looks at him. ]

He thinks I killed Snoke?

It was either that or let him shoot me, considering you left me there unconscious in a room full of dead bodies.

[His expression hardens, all of that insecurity and frustration rising up. He wanted to let go of what happened but it was hard to when the memory still hurt. It surprised him that she hadn't killed him, but he won't deny that it's frustrating that she had left him there instead of taking his hand.]

[ That extinguishes some of her anger like a bucket of water, and she rocks back on her heels. ]

Oh.

[ Oddly enough, she hadn't thought of it that way. Pressing her lips together she hunches her shoulders, trying to hold onto that frustration of before. ]

I just... I thought that ruthless murderer thing was how people got ahead in the First Order. He had to have realized I couldn't have killed Snoke all his guards, and somehow left you alive, though.

That kind of logic doesn't always entirely work. There will still always be loyalists, though in Hux's case he's only ever been loyal to himself. He would have wanted to kill me no matter what. The fact that I became the Supreme Leader only makes his own climb shorter.

[He sighs, running a hand through his hair, mindful of the talons.]

It doesn't matter anyway. You don't trust me or you wouldn't have had to ask about it.

[That in itself made him angry. No one had ever trusted him and this only solidified it. She was the one person he thought could understand him. That was before their separation on Snoke's ship. Now, it's just a fact that he'll have to accept.]

It's true, I would have preferred to keep this from you. I won't ever lie to you, but I'd rather you not see what the last six years looked like for me, the person I became. Just being with you doesn't erase that. Hux would rather you see it so clearly that you come to hate me as he does.

[ Rey scoffs a little at his conclusion that she didn't trust him. ]

If I didn't trust you I wouldn't let you into my home. I knew you were lying to him. I just wanted to know why you felt like you had to lie.

[ She tightens her arms around herself, her frown deepening as she looks up at him. ]

I don't... I don't want to hide this. Us. If you want to I don't know if I can do it.

And if our roles were reversed? If it was FN- Finn? Would you tell him? Would he be supportive? In Hux's view, being with you was 'lowering my standards'. You're an enemy to him. I doubt your friends would feel differently.

[He kept his hands to himself, worried he might grip to tightly or dig his talons in. He didn't want to hurt her. It didn't help that now he felt sick with jealousy at the thought that they could push her away from him, should her friends arrive.]

Edited 2020-01-08 22:50 (UTC)

I don't care if he'd be supportive, I wouldn't lie about how I feel! You're- You're more important to me than that.

[ She exhales, stepping back and shaking her head. She'd thought about it, sometimes. The bond she'd never mentioned to anyone else, but this... this wouldn't be something she'd want to hide. ]

If he weren't able to support me, it would hurt. But I don't want to hide my feelings. I don't want to feel... ashamed, of who I —

[ She hesitates on that last word, not sure if she wants to say it aloud. They still haven't, and when they're angry at each other doesn't seem like the best time to break that barrier. ]

You would. If he rejected you, you would care.

[They both know what being rejected by people you loved felt like, after all.]

Don't. You think that what you feel is- [He sucks in a breath, already well aware that what he's saying not only will hurt her but himself as well. Getting too close had made him weak - had made him care about hurting her.]

That isn't what this is. [Otherwise that really was just sad. The last time someone had tried to save him, to make him feel loved, he had stabbed them through the chest.]

You shouldn't love me. [He says it, and yet he feels like he's on the verge of crying.]

[ That broke her anger, the sadness she feels in him, the tears she can feel rising up in her as well as him. She furrows her brow, stepping forward to take his face in her hands, fingers sliding over the smooth scales on his cheeks. ]

But I do. That is what this is. I know we don't... have a lot of experience with love. It might not be perfect, either. But I love you. Scales and all.

[He felt as if his lungs wanted to cave in on themselves, or his heart. His chest ached, knowing that he would only disappoint her, just as so many others had disappointed the both of them.]

You only say that because you don't know. You don't know the things I've done. Before I met you and even after... and since coming here. I tried so hard to just push you out so that this wouldn't end up hurting us both but it will.

[He inhales sharply, closing his eyes and trying to will away the tears that threatened to spill.]

I saw one person besides you - during Cordis, before we slept together at my apartment and before the villa. I thought it would- I thought I could just push away how I felt, that she would help. I should have told you.

[His voice is pleading, as if he could make this somehow better if only she would forgive him for everything wrong he had ever done. He always seemed to go the wrong way, take the wrong path - no matter what he seemed to have been born wrong, as if the stars were aligned in that fact.]

Edited 2020-01-09 03:06 (UTC)

[ Rey's expression seems to crumble, and she pulls back a little, her eyes not focusing on him but rather the space between them, her hands sliding down to his shoulders but not entirely leaving him. She bites her lips, her brow furrowed as she tries to process that. ]

We... we didn't say we were going to try to be anything before then. You haven't been with her since?

[ Her voice sounds small, a little scared. She'd just opened her heart in a way that she never had allowed herself before, and she doesn't want it to be taken away from her. ]

[Watching the way she seemed to wilt broke his heart more than anything. He wanted to make it go away, even if he was glad he was honest with her. There were no more avoided truths between them. Lies were the last thing he wanted to taint their relationship with. Whatever the state of it might be.]

No. [He swallows, feeling like his throat had become tight. It was as if Snoke was reaching through the grave to choke the words out of him.]

But that doesn't matter. I just- I wanted to be someone that you could rely on, but I'm not. I've always been this twisted up, wrong, thing and I can't scrub that way even if we both might want to.

[ She feels a little better, when he says no. Less like a vice has a hold of her heart, and more like a bitterness has risen up in her throat. She shakes her head, looking up at him again, one hand sliding up to brush over his cheek. ]

It matters. You've tried to be better. I didn't... I didn't expect total fidelity, when we were just together during the moon phases. Even now if that's... If that would be easier for you...

[ That hurt, the thought of someone else's hands on him, after she'd said the things she'd just said, but she doesn't want him to push himself away because of this. She exhales, her thumb tracing the edge of his scar, where his scales and skin meet. ]

I want you to be loyal to me. But if you can't, I'll learn to live with it.

No. [He touches her finally, a possessive grip on her waist. He felt like he was falling - or that his stomach was sinking so fast that it almost felt like he was falling from a great height.]

I just- I was only thinking of myself. I've been so... so afraid. After everything that happened with Luke... and then my father. I was afraid of letting us be together. You've been the only person who's never felt afraid of me. Even when you were angry, I never felt fear from you.

[He swallows, tears clinging to the corners of his eyelids. Everything had gone so wrong and he can almost pinpoint it from the first moment when he had been young and had begun hearing the voices. For so long those voices had been his only comfort while his father wandered the galaxy, unable to stay still, and his mother devoted the majority of her time to the Senate. They had been afraid of him. Luke had been afraid of him. All he'd had was Rey and those voices.]

[ She knows this pain, has felt it from him in waves for as long as her connection to him had been alive. The pain of rejection, loneliness. She knows his heart like she knows her own. Her hands slide up his face so she can thing I the tears at the corners of his eyes away. ]

You don't have to be afraid. I won't leave you.

[He could remember that initial feeling, that moment when their hands first touched from worlds apart. He remembered wanting to weep then, just as he had when she'd rejected his hand when he offered it again. He had been so confident when he told her that she wasn't alone because the loneliest girl in the galaxy had reached out to him.

When she wipes his tears away, more want to follow. He felt so tired. Sanguis made anger and need thunder through his veins, made him want to kiss her until she couldn't breathe and help him push down this anxiety that threatened to crush him.]

I'm so- [He shakes his head slightly, tired of apologies already.]

I do love you. I just- I know that it's going to hurt you. That's all I've ever been good at: hurting and disappointing people.

That's not true. That was Snoke, manipulating you.

[ She says it as gently as she's able to, when all she wants is to throw her arms around him and pull him close. He loves her. She didn't think she needed to hear him say it, but hearing it made it solid. Real. Undeniably real. ]

You have a good heart, Ben. I knew the moment we touched hands. You're capable of so much good, you just had it strangled and pushed down until you thought this broken thing was all you were. You are so much more.

[His hands move up her sides, talons catching occasionally on her shirt. He wanted so badly to just kiss her, to make up for the months he kept her at a distance and even used her or denied her the truth of what he most wanted. It had been accurate to say they could never have been friends. She felt like so much more than that to him.

He hears what she's saying but everything was so centered on her: the way she touched him, the way she felt in his hands, the way she looked as at him as if she couldn't believe what he'd said.]

I still don't know that I entirely believe that I'll ever truly be a good person, after everything.

[The fact that she believed it was enough for him. It made him feel light, as if a weight had been lifted or a veil that had been stuck over his eyes.]

Does this count as you finally taking my hand? [He chuckles, a shaky and watery laugh, as he tries to fight the tears that still want to break through. For a change they were happy.]

Or- no. You definitely already did that. [His arms come around her and he leans in to rest his forehead against hers.]

I shouldn't have kept things from you. I should have just trusted that this was what we both needed and been honest.

Edited 2020-01-09 16:37 (UTC)

[ When he doesn't push her away, instead pulls himself closer, she lets out a watery giggle. She can feel his happiness, it bubbles over into her, and she smiles, her hands smoothing over his cheeks. ]

Yes, you should have. But we're here now. No more secrets?

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