letoldthingsdie | Inbox for prismatica

[ She pushes his hair back so she can kiss his forehead, soft smile never leaving her face. This feeling in her heart overwhelms all others, even the warm post-coital heaviness. It has its own sort of heaviness though at the same time it energizes her. She'd imagined it most of her life, what it would feel like to be loved. This was better than she had ever thought it would feel. ]

I might need you to say it a lot. At least at first.

Like I said. As many times as you want.

[He sighs in contentment when she kisses his forehead. It was still difficult for him to know peace after a lifetime of nightmares. The voices had gone but some scars were too deep. She was a healing balm he had desperately needed.]

I love you. [He kisses her sternum again before rising higher to kiss her collar bone and repeating his words. Kiss, repeat, kiss, repeat. Eventually his mouth finds hers and his hands find hers to hold them to the mattress while he kissed her.]

I'm not letting you get away from me a second time.

[He wouldn't be letting go of her hand now that he has it. Maybe it was that possessive side of him but there was no way he was letting her slip away again. If any of her friends appeared he wouldn't let them distance her from him.]

[ Each kiss and affirmation sends warmth through her body, skin tingling in his wake. The small power he has in this moment over her is something beyond the light and the darkness. Her hands go to his willingly and she threads her fingers through his, kissing him back with intensity. She reveled in the feel of his weight against her, his soft lips moving against hers. They were a perfect being when they were together, nothing could touch them. ]

I'll never leave you again. I love you. I should have realized it sooner.

Mm. Maybe I'm the one who needs to hear that a few times.

[He kisses her nose, smiling softly as he does.]

Just a reminder now and again.

[He squeezes her fingers gently, his lips ghosting over hers. It wasn't that he didn't trust her to stick by her word, but the two of them have tiptoed around this for so long that it's hard for him to imagine himself as someone she wouldn't eventually leave. Everyone else had left him. Even if they went back tomorrow he would have no one to return to. He couldn't go back to his mother. He wouldn't have Rey by his side.]

I'm sorry I wasn't more careful, by the way. Did I hurt you?

[He drew blood, yes, but he's sure he hurt her too by not being able to completely prepare her, as it were. He'd been impatient, needy. She wasn't angry at him, at least, so that was a sign he hadn't completely soured things.]

If we're ever separated I'll fight until we're together again.

[ She knows that if they return home they'll be on different sides of the war, and it might be complicated, but their souls were connected. She'd do what she had to do to be with him.

His question makes her smile a little, and she kisses the corner of his mouth. ]

A little. It's more like a pinch, but once you were inside it was fine. You're bigger than average, I think. Not that I've anything to compare it to.

Bigger than-

[He can't help but laugh. There was obviously no one he would ever compare himself to but the fact that she considered him bigger made him feel embarrassed and amused at the same time.]

I'll take that as a compliment.

[He separates long enough to move to his side, pulling her with him to wrap his arms and one of his wings around them. It was still weird but he could get used to it. He vaguely recalls her wings too.]

This could be interesting when we both have wings during the triple moon. If we both end up with wings.

[He nestles in close, kissing her mouth and then her jaw and throat. He wasn't looking for sex again but the closeness, the feeling of her skin pressed against his. It made it all the more real to be able to kiss her like this.]

[ Rey looks a little embarrassed when he laughs at her, and would probably hit him in the shoulder if he didn’t have her hands captive. ]

Not that I’ve measured but I looked it up and I’m fairly certain you’re bigger. Stands to reason, you’re bigger in general.

[ She bites her lip so she stops talking, and is happy to shift with him, smiling again when his wing wraps around them. It’s a strange leathery sensation, but also warm, and she loves feeling like she’s totally wrapped up with him. She relaxes a little, her hands resting on his neck as he kisses her, eyes drifting closed as his lips wander the skin of her throat. ]

We’ll figure it out. Hopefully I won’t be in heat at the same time, it seems like I get one or the other, I haven’t had both at once, yet.

[He hums against her skin, focusing on the taste of her against his lips. His tongue darts out to taste the sweat sticking to her.]

Well, good to know no one else will be able to meet your expectations besides me.

[He grins, scraping his teeth over her shoulder while the hand at her lower back traces her spine. He knew no one else would be able to work. He had already tried it himself, much to his regret. She was it for him.]

I do like it when you're in heat. You usually ask for sex more.

[He's only mildly teasing. He knows she can't help it any more than he can help the intense anger that Sanguis gives him. He got bits and pieces of it through their bond as she got bits and pieces from him. The idea of her going through it alone was one he wouldn't entertain. He's angry enough on a normal day so it barely even bothered him as long as he meditated, but what she goes through each month feels so much worse in comparison.

After a moment he lifts his head again and wraps his arms around her, cradled against him by the wing wrapped around her. His mouth meets hers while he holds her close, feeling sated and happier than he would be on a normal day. She made him happier just by virtue of her existence.]

[ Rey decides to let the topic of his cock go, embarrassed she’d even mentioned it, and focuses instead on sliding her hands along the hard lines of his neck and shoulders. She loves to run her fingers along his muscle, let her hands wander over familiar territory.

She lets out a small laugh when he comments about her heat, embarrassed by that, too. ]

I hate it. It feels good at the time but after... I just wish our first time together hadn’t been because of it. I feel like I’m not in control of myself.

[ Not meaning to ruin any moment she kisses him, happy in their moment together. She slides her hands over his ribcage, tucking them under his arms so she can settle against him. ]

The best part of it is how you take care of me.

[On the contrary, it doesn't ruin the moment at all. He understands what she means. It would have made things less complicated if they had been able to come to this on their own terms.]

Would you have wanted me back then if it hadn't been for that?

[He knows with certainty he would have wanted her. He'd wanted her from the moment they'd touched hands - maybe even before that. Struggle as he might against it, she had been the object of his obsessions for a while. They hadn't known each other long but it had felt like their souls knew one another, as sappy as that sounded.]

I don't want you to be without. Ever.

[He knew what it was to be deprived of genuine affection. Sure his family had tried to love him but it was hard to love someone when you feared them. Rey had just been alone, abandoned. No one had even tried to love her. That was more lonely than facing the reality that he was just a monster.]

[ Rey hesitates, not sure how to answer that. She had wanted him. She’d wanted him from the moment they touched hands, and every moment after. It had killed her to leave him prone on the floor of the Supremacy.

But she had wanted Ben Solo. Not Kylo Ren. Exhaling she runs her hands over the back of his shoulders, fingertips ghosting the edges of his wings. ]

I didn’t want you that way. I don’t regret it happening, but there was a lot we should have figured out... before complicating matters with sex.

[ She sighs, leaning her head forward to rest on his chest, her forehead pressed to his skin. She appreciated that he’d pushed things aside to be with her, but even now, every now and again she gets this glimpse of him and realizes that she’s seeing him through the cracks in his mask, that he still is very much hiding behind Kylo Ren when being Ben Solo is too raw. He makes her happy, though. More often than not. ]

I just don’t want you to feel like you have to care for me, when I’m such a mess.

[His brows knit together as she speaks. He knows she’s right, that they had things they should have worked on before all of this. There were parts of him that he wasn’t ready to expose: the depths of his regret and grief for his father and for Luke, the fear of letting go of his identity as Kylo Ren that had carried him for so long. He didn’t know who he was without it.]

We could. Talk about those things. Not right now, but soon. I want us to be able to figure things out.

[As long as she stayed with him. He knew eventually she would see the things he kept hidden away behind the mask. The thought made him almost tense up. It wasn’t easy to admit that beneath the shell - the confidence and desires and actions - he was just the frightened boy in the hut, laying in bed and staring up in horror at his uncle. He didn’t want her to see it. He’s happier focusing on her.]

It’s not as if taking care of you is some great burden. You’re still capable and I get what I want out of it.!

Edited 2020-01-25 14:44 (UTC)

[ They’d already talked about some of it. When they had decided to be together for real, not just as people who were just trying to fight off the strange urges clouding their judgement. There was so much that they hadn’t discussed though, and she sighs, nodding her head against his chest. ]

Soon. Not now.

[ She tilts her head back to look at him with a wry expression on her face when he tries to reassure her. ]

You get what you want, huh?

Yes. I get to have you.

[Feeding her on occasion like at the villa or helping her when she struggled with heats felt small to him.]

You keep letting me in.

[He traces small circles between her shoulder blades, his chest rising and falling while he stared up at the ceiling.

She might not be able to understand why he wanted her so badly and he wasn’t sure how to explain it. There was an emotional part to it, one he still he was still hesitant to touch when really thinking about it, but physical too. He was lonely but didn’t deny that he may have had a fantasy or two of her in this bed since the first time he had slept with her in it. It complicated things because for months he had wanted to hate her for making him so weak. She had complicated his life before they had ever come here.]

[ Oh. That makes the wry look fade from her face, replaced with one soft and full of love. She had been ready to make a joke about the sex, but her being what he wants... She knows that’s the case, but it’s nice to hear it. Leaning in she kisses him softly, her hand sliding up to his face, her thumb gently tracing over his scar. ]

You let me in, too. That means... so much to me. I was afraid you never would.

Not really. Some things, but not all of it. You would probably hate me.

[That's his worst fear: letting her see just how damaged he really is under the mask. She's seen bits and pieces but not how much losing his father and uncle have damaged his soul, how lost he's been since he's tried to piece himself back together and stop being the frightened boy. He can't ever take those things back and his mask slips a little more every day.]

But you've always been the thing I wanted. It's why I asked you to stay with me.

[It still felt like a twisted obsession, this need to possess her body and soul, but there were moments when he would look at her and realize 'Ah. It's something else entirely.'

She was probably the first person he ever loved besides his family and that thought was both terrifying and relieving. He knew she felt it too. The were always mirror images of one another.]

Oh, Ben.

[ She smiles sadly, her fingers tracing the lines of his face as she shakes her head. She knows that there are things he hasn't told her, things that she hasn't gone looking for in his mind out of respect for his privacy, but she knew what she needed to. ]

I watched you kill your father. I... I felt Luke die, because he went to face you. I can't imagine anything you've done being worse than that. Unless you're the one who killed my parents, but... they didn't want me anyway.

[ She chews on the inside of her lip, before closing the space between them and kissing him again. ]

I know what's in your heart. The light still shines in you. More than you seem to realize.

[He tenses for a moment when she brings up his past deeds. It wasn't as if they weren't constantly on his mind but it still felt like a bucket of ice water. He tries to deflect it with sarcasm instead.]

When I saw you, begging for them to come back, you couldn't have been more than five or six. I would have been training with Luke so I think they would have been safe from me.

[He's glad she hasn't tried looking into his mind. It was hard enough being the one who suffered his thoughts on his own. She didn't need to know them too. He wished he had faith in himself the way she had faith in him.]

You have more confidence in me than you should, considering I tried to torture you and tried to kill you. Then I used you to kill Snoke.

[Yet he hadn't let Snoke kill her.]

[ She sighs, leaning her head back against the pillow and looking up at his wing wrapped around them. ]

I tried to kill you, too. As for the torture... What Snoke did to me was worse than anything you did. He deserved to die.

[He nods, minutely. His throat felt tight just thinking of what he'd done to her. He'd felt it - had been on the receiving end of it on more than one occasion.]

My father warned me. Before- before what happened. He told me Snoke would discard me once he'd gotten what he wanted. I don't know how much you heard of our conversation.

[He'd been a bit distracted, up until she'd screamed. Remembering what happened still felt like an out of body experience.]

That's why when you came to the Supremacy I used you to make an opening. Even if I didn't torture you myself I may as well have.

[He turns his head to look at her, his wing withdrawing behind his back.]

That's just one example but that's what I mean when I say you'd probably hate me if you knew. I didn't hesitate to let him torture you.

[ They had said they weren't going to get into this tonight, but of course as soon as the topics rise up between them they end up discussing it. She frowns when he withdraws his wing, suddenly feeling aware and uncomfortable with how naked she is, discomfort from his come seeping out of her almost more than she can stand.

Exhaling she pushes herself up, sitting on the edge of the bed, intent on going to the bathroom. ]

So you only killed him to grab power? If you hadn't known that he'd discard you the second Luke was dead, you would have killed me as he commanded?

[ This is an important detail. For months she'd been telling herself, trying to convince him too, that he wouldn't have killed her. It had been about more than just the power, and that made what she'd gone through on the Supremacy bearable. It's a perilous edge he's forced the conversation to. ]

[His stomach sinks as soon as she pulls away. Of course, you knew that would happen. He moves to sit up as she does but doesn't try to pull her closer.]

It doesn't matter if I had known or not. You're alive, so I would think that would be enough for you.

[He doesn't mean to sound short with her, but he can't hide his frustration.]

I didn't let him kill you. I wouldn't have killed you either. If you've forgotten I'm the one who asked you to stay with me.

Edited 2020-01-27 04:52 (UTC)

[ She can feel the frustration rolling of him just as much as she can hear it in his voice. This in turn frustrates her, like his mood is catching. She turns to look at him over her shoulder, though that immediately cools her anger. Looking at him laying there, dotted with black and red scales, massive wings folded behind him Her beautiful monster. She's always known what he was. ]

I know. I also know the torture hurt you, too. I could feel your emotions. That was honestly the only thing that kept me grounded.

[ She reaches out, taking his hand and squeezing it briefly. ]

I need to go clean up.

[His stomach is in knots. He wants to drag her back to bed and keep her there. Over and over again he tries to tell her how he wasn’t worth the faith she gave him. Part of him wished he could make her turn. Then it would be easier. Maybe she would care less about how good she wants him to be. The part of him he kept hidden away hated himself for even thinking such ideas into existence.]

Do you want me to leave?

[Her hand didn’t do much to quell the anxiety he felt. It hit him like a tidal wave as he kept his eyes on her. He felt small, afraid of the rejection he was sure was coming. His feet touch the floor as he gets up as well, already thinking of trying to hunt down his clothes. A shower in his own apartment would have to do, if she planned to send him away.]

Edited 2020-01-27 05:37 (UTC)

[ She's frustrated because he tries so hard to push her back, even when he's wanting to let her in. That's all this is, and she has to try to be the bigger person. She's not always great at that, even if she's allied herself with the Light. But she sees that fear in his eyes, and frowns at him as he stands. ]

No, I don't want you to leave. I'm going to be two minutes. Then we can go back to fighting about whether or not you deserve my love, if that's really what you want. I'd be happy if you would just accept it because gods know I'm not perfect either.

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