letoldthingsdie | Inbox for prismatica

[ They’d already talked about some of it. When they had decided to be together for real, not just as people who were just trying to fight off the strange urges clouding their judgement. There was so much that they hadn’t discussed though, and she sighs, nodding her head against his chest. ]

Soon. Not now.

[ She tilts her head back to look at him with a wry expression on her face when he tries to reassure her. ]

You get what you want, huh?

Yes. I get to have you.

[Feeding her on occasion like at the villa or helping her when she struggled with heats felt small to him.]

You keep letting me in.

[He traces small circles between her shoulder blades, his chest rising and falling while he stared up at the ceiling.

She might not be able to understand why he wanted her so badly and he wasn’t sure how to explain it. There was an emotional part to it, one he still he was still hesitant to touch when really thinking about it, but physical too. He was lonely but didn’t deny that he may have had a fantasy or two of her in this bed since the first time he had slept with her in it. It complicated things because for months he had wanted to hate her for making him so weak. She had complicated his life before they had ever come here.]

[ Oh. That makes the wry look fade from her face, replaced with one soft and full of love. She had been ready to make a joke about the sex, but her being what he wants... She knows that’s the case, but it’s nice to hear it. Leaning in she kisses him softly, her hand sliding up to his face, her thumb gently tracing over his scar. ]

You let me in, too. That means... so much to me. I was afraid you never would.

Not really. Some things, but not all of it. You would probably hate me.

[That's his worst fear: letting her see just how damaged he really is under the mask. She's seen bits and pieces but not how much losing his father and uncle have damaged his soul, how lost he's been since he's tried to piece himself back together and stop being the frightened boy. He can't ever take those things back and his mask slips a little more every day.]

But you've always been the thing I wanted. It's why I asked you to stay with me.

[It still felt like a twisted obsession, this need to possess her body and soul, but there were moments when he would look at her and realize 'Ah. It's something else entirely.'

She was probably the first person he ever loved besides his family and that thought was both terrifying and relieving. He knew she felt it too. The were always mirror images of one another.]

Oh, Ben.

[ She smiles sadly, her fingers tracing the lines of his face as she shakes her head. She knows that there are things he hasn't told her, things that she hasn't gone looking for in his mind out of respect for his privacy, but she knew what she needed to. ]

I watched you kill your father. I... I felt Luke die, because he went to face you. I can't imagine anything you've done being worse than that. Unless you're the one who killed my parents, but... they didn't want me anyway.

[ She chews on the inside of her lip, before closing the space between them and kissing him again. ]

I know what's in your heart. The light still shines in you. More than you seem to realize.

[He tenses for a moment when she brings up his past deeds. It wasn't as if they weren't constantly on his mind but it still felt like a bucket of ice water. He tries to deflect it with sarcasm instead.]

When I saw you, begging for them to come back, you couldn't have been more than five or six. I would have been training with Luke so I think they would have been safe from me.

[He's glad she hasn't tried looking into his mind. It was hard enough being the one who suffered his thoughts on his own. She didn't need to know them too. He wished he had faith in himself the way she had faith in him.]

You have more confidence in me than you should, considering I tried to torture you and tried to kill you. Then I used you to kill Snoke.

[Yet he hadn't let Snoke kill her.]

[ She sighs, leaning her head back against the pillow and looking up at his wing wrapped around them. ]

I tried to kill you, too. As for the torture... What Snoke did to me was worse than anything you did. He deserved to die.

[He nods, minutely. His throat felt tight just thinking of what he'd done to her. He'd felt it - had been on the receiving end of it on more than one occasion.]

My father warned me. Before- before what happened. He told me Snoke would discard me once he'd gotten what he wanted. I don't know how much you heard of our conversation.

[He'd been a bit distracted, up until she'd screamed. Remembering what happened still felt like an out of body experience.]

That's why when you came to the Supremacy I used you to make an opening. Even if I didn't torture you myself I may as well have.

[He turns his head to look at her, his wing withdrawing behind his back.]

That's just one example but that's what I mean when I say you'd probably hate me if you knew. I didn't hesitate to let him torture you.

[ They had said they weren't going to get into this tonight, but of course as soon as the topics rise up between them they end up discussing it. She frowns when he withdraws his wing, suddenly feeling aware and uncomfortable with how naked she is, discomfort from his come seeping out of her almost more than she can stand.

Exhaling she pushes herself up, sitting on the edge of the bed, intent on going to the bathroom. ]

So you only killed him to grab power? If you hadn't known that he'd discard you the second Luke was dead, you would have killed me as he commanded?

[ This is an important detail. For months she'd been telling herself, trying to convince him too, that he wouldn't have killed her. It had been about more than just the power, and that made what she'd gone through on the Supremacy bearable. It's a perilous edge he's forced the conversation to. ]

[His stomach sinks as soon as she pulls away. Of course, you knew that would happen. He moves to sit up as she does but doesn't try to pull her closer.]

It doesn't matter if I had known or not. You're alive, so I would think that would be enough for you.

[He doesn't mean to sound short with her, but he can't hide his frustration.]

I didn't let him kill you. I wouldn't have killed you either. If you've forgotten I'm the one who asked you to stay with me.

Edited 2020-01-27 04:52 (UTC)

[ She can feel the frustration rolling of him just as much as she can hear it in his voice. This in turn frustrates her, like his mood is catching. She turns to look at him over her shoulder, though that immediately cools her anger. Looking at him laying there, dotted with black and red scales, massive wings folded behind him Her beautiful monster. She's always known what he was. ]

I know. I also know the torture hurt you, too. I could feel your emotions. That was honestly the only thing that kept me grounded.

[ She reaches out, taking his hand and squeezing it briefly. ]

I need to go clean up.

[His stomach is in knots. He wants to drag her back to bed and keep her there. Over and over again he tries to tell her how he wasn’t worth the faith she gave him. Part of him wished he could make her turn. Then it would be easier. Maybe she would care less about how good she wants him to be. The part of him he kept hidden away hated himself for even thinking such ideas into existence.]

Do you want me to leave?

[Her hand didn’t do much to quell the anxiety he felt. It hit him like a tidal wave as he kept his eyes on her. He felt small, afraid of the rejection he was sure was coming. His feet touch the floor as he gets up as well, already thinking of trying to hunt down his clothes. A shower in his own apartment would have to do, if she planned to send him away.]

Edited 2020-01-27 05:37 (UTC)

[ She's frustrated because he tries so hard to push her back, even when he's wanting to let her in. That's all this is, and she has to try to be the bigger person. She's not always great at that, even if she's allied herself with the Light. But she sees that fear in his eyes, and frowns at him as he stands. ]

No, I don't want you to leave. I'm going to be two minutes. Then we can go back to fighting about whether or not you deserve my love, if that's really what you want. I'd be happy if you would just accept it because gods know I'm not perfect either.

[He sits on the bed again, hands tucked into his lap. She wasn't making him leave, but he could tell she was unhappy with him. He wanted to say something but didn't know what.]

Okay. I should probably clean up too - after you're done.

[He would sit here and wait in the mean time. Her words surprised him. It wasn't as if he was used to someone trying so hard to convince him he was loved. His parents had tried to save him but it wasn't enough. The damage had been done - by his family and by Snoke.]

We don't- we can do something else, or talk about something else.

[He sucks on his bottom lip, trying not to show on his face just how sullen he feels. Berating himself, he wanted to just pull his hair out or hit himself on the head- any means to punish himself. Snoke wasn't here to punish him anymore.]

[ It's hard to stay mad at him when he's sitting there naked looking like a punished child. She takes a deep breath, before holding her hand out to him as she stands there. ]

Come on. My bath is big enough for both of us even with your wings.

[He stares at her hand for all of a second before getting up and taking it. There was a strong desire to put his hands on her waist that he had to push down. He hated how much more he wanted to touch her, to invade her space, while he was like this. His thoughts never remained very pure either. It was just a bath, he reminded himself.]

You just want to conserve water, don't you?

[He smiles fondly, though a little sadly. He knows how much of a precious resource water is on planets like Jakku. Thankfully he had never had to experience the same hardships. Being born to a princess had its advantages.]

[ Rey lets out a small laugh, shaking her head as she tugs him along with her to the bathroom. ]

No, you just looked so sad sitting there I couldn't leave you.

[ Once in the bathroom she moves to turn the shower on, pushing aside the brightly colored shower curtain and letting the water run to heat up before turning back to him. ]

Conserving water is just a bonus.

[He shakes his head, smiling a bit.]

I thought you were going to ask me to leave.

[His hands move to her waist, finally, once she turns to face him. He glances over her shoulder at the tub, watching it fill with hot water.]

I don't know about fitting. In case you didn't notice I am pretty big.

[He grins, kissing her temple.]

[ She's still a little fatigued from their fight, still feeling a little emotionally raw, but she allows herself a soft smile when he settles his hands on her waist and kisses her temple. Her hands rest on his chest lightly, before she turns to look at the bath again. ]

I think it'll be fine if we're showering. Your wings would get bent if you tried to sit down.

Mm. True enough.

[He lets her go again, running a hand through his hair. If only he could will these wings away. He didn't like them. They were inconvenient and awkward. He would have to cut holes in his clothes, as she had mentioned.

He wanted to push down the guilt that he still felt, after it became apparent she wasn't rejecting him. It wasn't easy for him to avoid assuming no matter what it was impossible to feel anything but fear and loathing for him. She was different, willing to understand him.]

Just tell me when you think it's hot enough I guess.

[He looks around her bathroom, feeling a little awkward. It wasn't as if he made a habit of showering with her - or anyone for that matter.]

[ Aware that this is awkward she gently touches his cheek before turning back to the shower, checking the temperature of the water. Deciding it was good she steps back, pressing her back against the wall of the bathroom. ]

You get in first, I think it'll be better than you trying to maneuver around me with your wings.

You don't want to watch me make a fool of myself?

[Smiling warmly, he steps under the warm water, tucking himself to one side of the tub and holding out his hand so that she can step in after him. His wings are tucked neatly at his back, warm water hitting his skin while he stands further back from the spray to let her into the warmth.]

Once a day is probably enough.

[ She smirks at him, turning to grab a hair tie from the countertop and pull her hair up messily. Then she takes his hand, stepping into the tub and into the water, pulling the curtain closed behind her. ]

[For his part he's keeping his hands to himself, reaching for the soap to start scrubbing off the sweat and general grime that came with having sex. He started with his arms as he worked the soap into bubbly suds in his hands.

The scales dotted his neck and shoulders and back where his wings were tucked behind him. Otherwise, he looked perfectly normal as he always did, save for the yellow eyes. She could see the scars littering his body, particularly the most obious ones stretching across his face and down his chest and down by his hip where Chewie had shot him with his bowcaster.]

[ Part of her regrets pulling her along with him for very rudimentary and unsexy cleaning, but it's also strangely interesting to watch. She isn't shy with her gaze, watching as he cleans himself, eyes roving over the scars she's so familiar with. After a moment she moves to take the soap away from him, scrubbing it over her own skin, starting with the obvious mess dripping down her thighs. She turns her back to him to do this, bending over to scrub down her legs. ]

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