letoldthingsdie | Inbox for prismatica

You would. If he rejected you, you would care.

[They both know what being rejected by people you loved felt like, after all.]

Don't. You think that what you feel is- [He sucks in a breath, already well aware that what he's saying not only will hurt her but himself as well. Getting too close had made him weak - had made him care about hurting her.]

That isn't what this is. [Otherwise that really was just sad. The last time someone had tried to save him, to make him feel loved, he had stabbed them through the chest.]

You shouldn't love me. [He says it, and yet he feels like he's on the verge of crying.]

[ That broke her anger, the sadness she feels in him, the tears she can feel rising up in her as well as him. She furrows her brow, stepping forward to take his face in her hands, fingers sliding over the smooth scales on his cheeks. ]

But I do. That is what this is. I know we don't... have a lot of experience with love. It might not be perfect, either. But I love you. Scales and all.

[He felt as if his lungs wanted to cave in on themselves, or his heart. His chest ached, knowing that he would only disappoint her, just as so many others had disappointed the both of them.]

You only say that because you don't know. You don't know the things I've done. Before I met you and even after... and since coming here. I tried so hard to just push you out so that this wouldn't end up hurting us both but it will.

[He inhales sharply, closing his eyes and trying to will away the tears that threatened to spill.]

I saw one person besides you - during Cordis, before we slept together at my apartment and before the villa. I thought it would- I thought I could just push away how I felt, that she would help. I should have told you.

[His voice is pleading, as if he could make this somehow better if only she would forgive him for everything wrong he had ever done. He always seemed to go the wrong way, take the wrong path - no matter what he seemed to have been born wrong, as if the stars were aligned in that fact.]

Edited 2020-01-09 03:06 (UTC)

[ Rey's expression seems to crumble, and she pulls back a little, her eyes not focusing on him but rather the space between them, her hands sliding down to his shoulders but not entirely leaving him. She bites her lips, her brow furrowed as she tries to process that. ]

We... we didn't say we were going to try to be anything before then. You haven't been with her since?

[ Her voice sounds small, a little scared. She'd just opened her heart in a way that she never had allowed herself before, and she doesn't want it to be taken away from her. ]

[Watching the way she seemed to wilt broke his heart more than anything. He wanted to make it go away, even if he was glad he was honest with her. There were no more avoided truths between them. Lies were the last thing he wanted to taint their relationship with. Whatever the state of it might be.]

No. [He swallows, feeling like his throat had become tight. It was as if Snoke was reaching through the grave to choke the words out of him.]

But that doesn't matter. I just- I wanted to be someone that you could rely on, but I'm not. I've always been this twisted up, wrong, thing and I can't scrub that way even if we both might want to.

[ She feels a little better, when he says no. Less like a vice has a hold of her heart, and more like a bitterness has risen up in her throat. She shakes her head, looking up at him again, one hand sliding up to brush over his cheek. ]

It matters. You've tried to be better. I didn't... I didn't expect total fidelity, when we were just together during the moon phases. Even now if that's... If that would be easier for you...

[ That hurt, the thought of someone else's hands on him, after she'd said the things she'd just said, but she doesn't want him to push himself away because of this. She exhales, her thumb tracing the edge of his scar, where his scales and skin meet. ]

I want you to be loyal to me. But if you can't, I'll learn to live with it.

No. [He touches her finally, a possessive grip on her waist. He felt like he was falling - or that his stomach was sinking so fast that it almost felt like he was falling from a great height.]

I just- I was only thinking of myself. I've been so... so afraid. After everything that happened with Luke... and then my father. I was afraid of letting us be together. You've been the only person who's never felt afraid of me. Even when you were angry, I never felt fear from you.

[He swallows, tears clinging to the corners of his eyelids. Everything had gone so wrong and he can almost pinpoint it from the first moment when he had been young and had begun hearing the voices. For so long those voices had been his only comfort while his father wandered the galaxy, unable to stay still, and his mother devoted the majority of her time to the Senate. They had been afraid of him. Luke had been afraid of him. All he'd had was Rey and those voices.]

[ She knows this pain, has felt it from him in waves for as long as her connection to him had been alive. The pain of rejection, loneliness. She knows his heart like she knows her own. Her hands slide up his face so she can thing I the tears at the corners of his eyes away. ]

You don't have to be afraid. I won't leave you.

[He could remember that initial feeling, that moment when their hands first touched from worlds apart. He remembered wanting to weep then, just as he had when she'd rejected his hand when he offered it again. He had been so confident when he told her that she wasn't alone because the loneliest girl in the galaxy had reached out to him.

When she wipes his tears away, more want to follow. He felt so tired. Sanguis made anger and need thunder through his veins, made him want to kiss her until she couldn't breathe and help him push down this anxiety that threatened to crush him.]

I'm so- [He shakes his head slightly, tired of apologies already.]

I do love you. I just- I know that it's going to hurt you. That's all I've ever been good at: hurting and disappointing people.

That's not true. That was Snoke, manipulating you.

[ She says it as gently as she's able to, when all she wants is to throw her arms around him and pull him close. He loves her. She didn't think she needed to hear him say it, but hearing it made it solid. Real. Undeniably real. ]

You have a good heart, Ben. I knew the moment we touched hands. You're capable of so much good, you just had it strangled and pushed down until you thought this broken thing was all you were. You are so much more.

[His hands move up her sides, talons catching occasionally on her shirt. He wanted so badly to just kiss her, to make up for the months he kept her at a distance and even used her or denied her the truth of what he most wanted. It had been accurate to say they could never have been friends. She felt like so much more than that to him.

He hears what she's saying but everything was so centered on her: the way she touched him, the way she felt in his hands, the way she looked as at him as if she couldn't believe what he'd said.]

I still don't know that I entirely believe that I'll ever truly be a good person, after everything.

[The fact that she believed it was enough for him. It made him feel light, as if a weight had been lifted or a veil that had been stuck over his eyes.]

Does this count as you finally taking my hand? [He chuckles, a shaky and watery laugh, as he tries to fight the tears that still want to break through. For a change they were happy.]

Or- no. You definitely already did that. [His arms come around her and he leans in to rest his forehead against hers.]

I shouldn't have kept things from you. I should have just trusted that this was what we both needed and been honest.

Edited 2020-01-09 16:37 (UTC)

[ When he doesn't push her away, instead pulls himself closer, she lets out a watery giggle. She can feel his happiness, it bubbles over into her, and she smiles, her hands smoothing over his cheeks. ]

Yes, you should have. But we're here now. No more secrets?

No more secrets.

[A grin lights up his face before he kisses her. He pulls her against him and if his wings hadn't been tucked beneath his clothes they would have wrapped around her.]

[ Her heart soars as he kisses her, her hands holding his face close, a small happy giggle bubbling from her lips briefly disconnecting from him, though she's quick to seal her lips against his again. It's strange, she never would have thought she'd be able to feel this happy, especially in a place like this.

She pulls away from him when she needs to breathe, though she keeps her face close to his, her fingers playing along the edges of his scales. ]

I like your new look.

Just be glad I didn't sprout horns yet. I'm pretty sure I would have had to actually duck coming in if I had.

[Heat blossoms in his cheeks as she plays with his scales. He still felt strange and a little self conscious, but it was better than the urge to physically bend her over the side of her couch and fuck her. Though, he can't deny that was in the back of his mind too. Thank you, Sanguis.]

I saw Daenerys's horns, they wouldn't look bad on you...

[ She smiles, her hands sliding up into his hair, combing it back where she imagined horns might sprout. ]

They'd give me something to hold onto.

Until I catch them on your door or knock down one of your plants.

[He can't stop the stupid grin from planting itself on his face.]

But you love running your fingers through my hair.

[ She loves that smile, loves how she's the only one who gets to see him so entirely unburdened. Her fingers thread through his hair and she smiles back. ]

I do. But horns could be... Interesting. When not knocking things over.

[ Don't make her spell it out for you, Ben. ]

Edited 2020-01-10 17:13 (UTC)

Ah. More for you to grab onto?

[Speaking of grabbing, his hands slide down her waist to settle over her ass. He squeezes lightly, aiming to surprise her as she had done to him.]

[ She humors him with a little inhale, a slight arch in her back as his hands settle on her ass. He's done this before, it's a little thing that she never expected to like so much. Rising up on her toes she hums her affirmative to his question, bridging the small gap between them and drawing her lips over his. ]

[He wraps his arms firmly around her, just indulging himself in a kiss.]

I'm so glad you don't think I'd look as ridiculous as I feel.

[He laughs a bit, all too happy to relax like this. It was a rare event for him, particularly during Sanguis. He could spend it either meditating her fucking her until she couldn't walk straight. The second option was looking more appealing.]

[ Smiling against his lips she slides her hands down to his face again, her fingers deliberately sliding over his scales. ]

You're not ridiculous. This place does strange things to us, but you will always be the most handsome man I've ever laid eyes on.

Edited 2020-01-12 04:58 (UTC)

[The feel of her fingers on his scales makes his insides warm up. He grips her just a little bit tighter and tries to make a valiant effort of not letting her know just how much her touch affects him. He really was failing that attempt.]

Mm. You say that now but you haven't seen the wings.

[He tries for a joke, though he can feel the self control he had meditated for slipping. Unable to resist any longer, he lifts her up so that her legs are wrapped firmly around him. He really did feel like some strange grotesque monster when looking like this. She made him feel better about it.]

I have to say, though, you are very distracting. [He kisses her, a brief exchange of lips that ended in a smile.]

[ Rey lets out a breathy laugh as he picks her up, her legs automatically going around his waist, her arms sliding down to wrap around his neck, leaning into the kiss, brief as it may be. Every kiss they share feels electric to her, like their souls are connecting.

Nuzzling her nose against his she smiles back. ]

I would like very much to see your wings. I don't know how you managed to hide them, I could never get mine under a shirt.

Mm. [He carries her to her bedroom as they talk in between a lazy kiss or two. He returns the gesture of her nose brushing against his. It made his stomach fill with butterflies.]

I was a bit persistent about it. I had to find a bigger shirt just to fit them.

[It was a bit uncomfortable having them folded tightly against his back, but it was better than looking like some winged creature. They would be free soon enough.

Once he reaches her room, he sets her on the bed and tugs up his shirt with one hand. His head disappears beneath it and a moment later he shucks it off of his arms to lay it on the floor at her feet.

Free at last, his wings spread open, black and scaled with a leather like texture to them. Leaning in to kiss her, his hands grab her by the ankles to tug her closer to the end of the bed while his wings envelop the two of them.]

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