letoldthingsdie | IC Inbox faderift

You can't hate him, you don't know him.

[ Rey shakes her head, walking over to her bed and sitting down, her shoulders tense as she looks back at him. ]

He just looked surprised. Then you didn't give him any chance to react like a normal person because you started right in with your claws out.

I can hate lots of people for lots of reasons. It's not terribly hard.

[He just didn't hate Poe for the reasons he wanted to convince himself of: Poe Dameron was a Resistance Pilot, Rebel Scum, an ant to be crushed beneath his boots. He'd lost men to the Resistance's antics. Those should all be the reasons he hated him, but they sounded hollow to him even as he decided upon them.]

He wasn't surprised. He was disgusted.

[Maybe he was only seeing what he wanted to see, but he'd heard the words and he couldn't shake them. No matter what he did or how he tried he was a monster. Even if he tried to keep peace within their small part of the Inquisition, he would be seen as a monster by the natives. If he tried to stay and make Rey happy, he'd be seen as a monster by the people who were supposed to care about her. More importantly, she would be too. He was convinced of that.]

Edited 2018-05-10 21:20 (UTC)

I'm guessing a lot of the reasons you have for hating Poe are reasons you could also apply to me.

[ She says it levelly, but she knows. They haven't really talked about their very large difference of opinions since he'd first arrived here. It had been easier to focus on other things. ]

He wasn't disgusted, Ben. Even if he was, what does it matter? I don't need his permission to be with you.

[ She can feel that upset in him, that people will only ever see him as a monster, that they might decide the same of her because of the company she keeps. ]

I don’t hate you.

[His response is immediate. He never hated her, not even when they tried to hate each other.]

You aren’t one of her soldiers. You’re with the Resistance but you aren’t with the Resistance. Not the way he is. You’re with them for the same reasons you clung to Han Solo and Luke Skywalker. You wanted to belong somewhere. Leia Organa makes you feel like you belong.

[That might not be a hundred percent true but for him it was. Thedas was different. She didn’t belong for a family she craved. She belonged for herself. That was probably more accurately her feelings too, but she wasn’t one of his mother’s soldiers.]

I’m afraid that you choosing me won’t be enough for you someday.

[He was afraid to admit he was afraid.]

I told Obi-Wan once that I can never go back to the Jedi, but it’s not just about that. Luke changed everything. I can’t go the same direction you want me to go because of it. If it means I look like an ass to Poe Dameron or whoever else I don’t care. If it means you- leave, then I understand.

[He rises to his full height again, feeling suddenly restless.]

Edited 2018-05-10 23:42 (UTC)

[ She has conflicting emotions here. Part of her wants to be angry that he discounts her belonging in the Resistance because she just wants to belong somewhere.

Pressing her lips together as she thinks of how to respond he admits his fear that her choosing him won't be enough for her. That changes her response as she exhales. Standing she walks over to him, reaching out to slide her hand into his. ]

I won't leave. I'm a little annoyed, but... I care about you, Ben. It doesn't matter to me if you don't like someone, we don't have to have the same friends. But given the situation we're in, it is better if you at least try to be civil towards him? Until this phylactery stuff has blown over.

[He nods in acquiescence to her request. He couldn't help the prejudice he feels towards Poe but he knew it was misplaced in the moment even when he'd made that first barb at him about the Resistance fighters who had died.]

I'll try. I'm sorry.

[He presses his lips together, slipping his fingers between hers.]

It's just- he showed up here and I've been angry just seeing his face and - it's a reminder. Having him here. You and I talked about starting over and letting all of it go and I haven't really done that. I probably haven't done anything you've asked.

[Which honestly made him a hypocrite, for all his talk of letting the past die. Sighing, he leans in to press a chaste kiss to her lips and straightens again. He wanted to hold onto this thing they were building together but he couldn't shake how many issues it had opened up just trying.]

So. [Did she want him to leave? He didn't want to ask.]

[ Rey doesn't miss the irony of him having trouble letting the past go. She however has been doing everything she can not to let things that have happened in the past come between them.

But she also knows that he's had civil conversations with Obi-Wan, that he hasn't tried to attack the Jedi since their first meeting. He might not think that he's done anything she's asked of him, but she also thinks he's made steps towards the light that he just can't see himself. ]

You've made an effort. If you hadn't, I don't think we'd be where we are, right now.

No, probably not.

[They'd come a ways from glaring at each other in an ice cave and trying to huddle for warmth. He'd come to crave her presence and approval in a way that scared him. It reminded him of how desperately he'd wanted his parents to see him.]

Do you want me to stay?

[He finally asks, fearing she might actually send him away and hoping she won't.]

[ She lets out a small laugh, reaching up to touch his cheek, her thumb stroking over his cheekbone. ]

Of course I want you to stay. I will always want you to stay.

[That laugh and the way she touched him were enough to make his heart skip a beat. He touches her in return, his hand mirroring her touch against his cheek with one of his own to hers.]

Good. [He wanted to say something more but couldn't find the words. His lips rub together as he tries to work out what words he wants to say but continue to be unable to find.]

Thank you. I was - [he chuckles a little too and it sounds strange in his ears. He wasn't good at laughing, he thought.] I was hoping you wouldn't send me back to my room. We were in the middle of something here.

[Something he's not sure she'd like to continue but he very much wanted to, now that she's said she would always want him to stay. He never got tired of touching her or hearing the little pleased sighs she made when he did.]

[ He might not think he's any good at laughing, but it makes her heart melt, every time she gets one of those rare smiles or awkward laughs, things she knows he doesn't share with anyone else. Her smile widens as she bites her bottom lip, wrinkling her nose at him. ]

You really want to keep going?

I'd rather have at least one good memory of today, after everything that's been discussed.

[If she wants to continue where they left off, that is. His hands drop to her waist none the less. The door was shut and no one was likely to come interrupt them again.]

If you want to.

[It was always up to her. Before he hadn't been in the mood, but he was spurred on by the butterflies she had put back into his belly, her smile lighting him up inside and making his chest feel heavy with warmth.]

[ She smiles, sliding her hand to the back of his neck to tug his head down to her level so she can kiss him. Her other hand slides up his arm, tracing along his bicep ]

So where were we, again?

[ She murmurs against his lips. ]

[He sucks in a breath when she surprises him by tugging him down to her level. His lips meet hers as readily as hers meet his. When she speaks, his hand moves to her jaw and his mouth drops to the other side of her neck.]

I'm sure you can refresh my memory.

[He turns his back to the bed, walking her with him to it while he sits at the end of it and looks up at her.]

I didn't think you'd want me to make a mess of your desk again.

[His brown eyes are alight with mischief and something more. He hardly ever comes into her room, preferring to let her keep her space her own. He had somehow started making his space theirs, so this was a different experience.

Gently, he coaxes her to sit with him, reaching out to touch her again once she does. He felt fumbling and awkward but was also used to kissing her and having some idea of where she'd want him to touch her.]

[ The smile doesn't leave her face as he leads her to her bed, butterflies coming alive in her stomach as he gently coaxes her down. He's always been so gentle with her, it never ceases to surprise her. Even when he's losing himself in the moment there's care there, not like he's afraid she'll break, but like he respects her. ]

I'm going to have to reorganize everything tomorrow anyway, but this is fine.

[ She replies slyly, leaning in to kiss him again. ]

I'll help. Whatever you want to do.

[Spending time together amid all of this uncertainty would do the two of them some good, honestly. Even something as mundane as going through all her junk parts.

His mouth slides against hers with practiced ease. It hadn't always been like this but at least he didn't feel that hand trembling unease at being touched anymore. Her touch was far more pleasant than anyone else's in any recent memory he's had.

He moves to coax her to lay back against the bed as he hovers over her, just as he'd been in the middle of doing while she sat on her desk. He doesn't have to tell her to say 'stop', he knows. She's capable of doing it on her own. His hands drop to her sides while his mouth parts against hers while he lets the moment just carry him along.]

[ She hums in the back of her throat as she lies back, wiggling around a little to get comfortable underneath him, resting her hands on his hips as her mouth moves with his, her mind filled with him. The unpleasantness of earlier isn't gone, but it's been pushed down into the dark where she doesn't need to deal with it, at least not right now.

Her hands slowly wander, drifting from his hips up his back, tracing the lines of his muscles beneath his shirt. ]

[He lets out an amused huff as she wriggles around trying to get comfortable and he follows her movements, his hands moving up her sides while he continued to kiss her. It was a far more pleasant distraction than anything going on outside of her room.

He was content to take his time exploring, enjoying the comfort of her company above anything else. He'd come here to be with her, to help her through whatever frustrations she felt over everything going on around them. Now it had become something more intimate and less focused on comfort and more on just the act of being in each other's presence and being at ease with one another.]

[ Rey's fingers curl into Ben's shirt as she hums her approval of his touches. She shifts a leg up to rest against his hip, curling up against him. She loves his weight pressed against hers, could stay with him like this forever. Sometimes it scares her, how she feels for him. But right now she just feels warm and content, balanced.

Pulling away enough so she can look at his face she slides a hand up to his face, stroking gently. She gives him a soft smile, her fingers tracing the edge of his scar. She doesn't say anything for the moment, just quietly studies his face, hazel eyes soft. ]

[His gaze meets hers, his brown eyes reflected in her hazel. He wants to ask what made her want to stop but somehow he just knows. This isn't like some frenzied thing going between them, the little shocks between them within the Force more like a pleasant hum or a steady heartbeat.

He brings a hand up, his thumb tracing her brow. His earliest memories of her had been with these brows crinkled in anger, her eyes hardened when they gazed at him or fighting back tears. Now she looked at him with such tenderness that it made his chest ache and his stomach do flip flops.]

What are you thinking?

[It was probably silly to ask, when he could just access thoughts without even trying terribly hard. They were an open book to one another.]

[ She smiles at him, face relaxed as his thumb traces her brow, much different than his memories. The first time she'd seen him she'd been terrified, but now she couldn't look at this face without feeling warmth spread through her chest.

Letting out a soft sigh at his question she circles her thumb along his cheekbone. ]

Just thinking about how glad I am that we're together.

[The hand not reverently exploring the edges of her brow and her cheek drifts down to her thigh, thumb drawing circles against the soft muscles curled up against his hip.]

I'm glad too. I'm glad we aren't fighting or - or not talking. When I first came here it was... unbearable. I didn't feel alone because you were here but I didn't want to push you.

[In the end she head reached out first and they had become like this.]

[ The muscles on her leg twitch a little at his touch, not used to the gentle touches he's bestowing upon her. The sensation is a little weird, but in a pleasant way. ]

It was hard for me, too. I never wanted to close myself off from you, Ben. I just thought... that was what I'd have to do to protect us both.

[ Maybe protect her a little more than him, but she didn't want to be pushing him into doing something he wasn't ready for. She's still a little worried about doing that, because she knows that the choice to finally let things go and heal is his to make. ]

[His hand moves to her knee and back down her thigh again in a light gesture. He adjusts his weight a little, making sure he isn't leaning too far into her. He wasn't sure the way they were laying together could really be called 'cuddling' when her legs were up against his hips and it was all too easy to dip his weight into her.]

I'm not mad about it. You did what you had to do.

[If anything he respected that choice, even while he agonized over it. He braces himself up on his elbow, leaning in to kiss her.]

We both did.

[He wasn't talking just about how they'd reacted to one another here, but home too. It still hurt that she had left him but she was here. They could put it behind them.]

[ Rey bites her lip as he moves his hand, the sensation almost enough to distract her from the somewhat serious conversation they're having. Her eyelashes flutter as he kisses her, her hand not leaving his cheek. She kisses him again, softly, before answering. ]

I know. I wish things had gone differently. But I think we were always meant to be in each other's orbit.

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