letoldthingsdie | IC Inbox faderift

[ She listens to him as he spirals, one arm pillowing her head, her brow furrowed. This battle within him isn't something she can do more than be a reassurance that it isn't the end-all be-all. When he seeks out her hand she laces her fingers through his. ]

I was waiting for you before I knew who you were.

[ Squeezing his fingers she shifts closer to him, resting her forehead against his and closing her eyes. ]

You don't need to make up for everything you've done. That you want to... It says so much of how far you've come.

[He closes his eyes, breath catching at her words. Distantly, he knows that maybe he was waiting for her too.]

Me too. I wish... I wish I'd met you sooner. I wish Luke had the faith in me that you do.

[He doesn't like talking about Luke. It was just a reminder of how hurt he still was. When she presses her forehead against his, he squeezes her hand back.]

I wanted to be good once. I tried to be good.

[Just as he was trying now. He's let her in a few steps at a time, let her see the ugly monster lurking beneath the darkness in him. He hates how he spirals like this, how everything was split so evenly between good and evil. It made him think of his conversation with Bethany, how people had shades of gray in them - light and dark.]

[ She's surprised to hear him speak of Luke. He doesn't often. It's sort of become this subject that they don't talk about, even though there's still so much to say. She wants to defend Luke, because of what he did in the end, and because of what he represents. But she had attacked him, too. Attacked him in defense of Ben Solo. That memory flows like water, something he can catch glimpse of it, if he's looking. ]

Luke let his fear that he might fail you be his undoing. You don't need to try to be anything. You are a good person, Ben. I see it in you, bright and clear.

[He can see the memory, drifting between the two of them and while he felt a sense of pride seeing Rey fight his uncle, he knew Luke had been holding back against her.

This isn't going to go the way you think. He'd been right, of course. Rey had tried to get him to come with her, to stop the destruction of the Rebel fleet, but he didn't. While he saw Rey defending him, he also saw her tear streaked face when he'd held his hand out to her in the throne room. It made his throat feel tight all over again just thinking about it. It made him want to flee. Instead he fights the urge and keeps her hand in his.]

He could have killed you if he'd been serious.

[He knows from experience. Before that particular memory can sweep through their bond he pushes it back as far as he can. The fact that Luke had been unable to kill her when her powers had grown so quickly, the fact that he'd spared Darth Vader instead of his nephew, made Kylo feel bitter all over again.

Rey might believe in him but she was no Luke Skywalker. Luke had been a legend and a source of great strength in the Light side of the force. He'd known the right thing to do was to try and kill his nephew.]

Can we- talk about something. Anything else. I don't want to talk about Luke.

[He didn't mean to just utterly shut it down when he'd been the one to bring it up, but already he felt he'd slipped too far back into old memories he didn't want to think about. They had no place here.]

Before all of the phylactery business - tell me about what you were up to today?

[Yes. Ask her how her day was. Get her to talk about anything but Luke Skywalker. He wasn't ready to pick at those wounds when they were so fresh.]

[ She feels him closing off from it even as she tries to hold on. She wants him to realize that his uncle loved him still after all this time, that he'd realized what a mistake he'd made. But maybe it isn't her place to try and build that bridge.

Exhaling she settles back against the mattress, bringing his hand up to press a kiss to his knuckles. ]

Nothing interesting. There was a pipe leak that needed repairing, replaced a door that had some significant wood rot... I'd just gotten back to my room when everything happened. What were you up to?

Fixing the practice equipment in the training yard.

[That he broke. Of course. He didn't exactly go easy on it. A small smile touches his lips at the memory and when she kisses his knuckles.]

When I was done I found Iorveth in front of the notice board where he put a knife into it.

Edited 2018-05-23 04:40 (UTC)

Are you the one who broke it in the first place?

[ She knows he was. Few others were as hard on the training equipment as he. she wrinkles her nose at the next thing, tilting her head to the side. ]

The Inquisition isn't going to love that. Defacing property.

It's not my fault they just stand there. It'd be better if someone rigged them to move.

[He was absolutely a snob when it came to the lack of technological in this place.]

I'm sure he'll fix it. He's not really the type to just go about randomly breaking things when he's angry.

[Such as a certain Supreme Leader who was prone to fits of anger.]

[ She looks thoughtful for a moment, contemplating the logistics of moving targets. It's harder in this place, but not impossible. Of course there are other options, too. ]

You could always spar with me.

I could if you want. I sparred with Obi-Wan once.

[Had he told her about that? It had ended on a bit of a bitter sweet note. He'd wanted to know more about his grandfather and Obi-Wan hadn't been able to handle the conversation.]

We talked a bit. About him. What he was like before he turned. No one ever talked about him beyond the fact that he'd committed atrocities across the galaxy.

[He knows he doesn't have to explain who the 'him' he refers to is. Of course he would ask the man who taught his grandfather to be a Jedi who he had really been.]

I didn't even know he was my grandfather until I'd already left to train with Luke. One of my mother's political opponents found out about it and tried to use it to hurt her career.

There weren't that many people left in the galaxy who knew him before he was Vader, when we were growing up.

[ Rey furrowed her brow, reaching out to idly smooth her free hand over his hair, brushing it away from his face. ]

Would it have been easier to know you were related to him when you were a child?

It would have been better to hear it before she had no other choice but to be honest with me. I don’t know that I would have felt better hearing it as a child but I would have appreciated hearing it from her sooner than I did.

[There was no way to know if it would have changed his fate. Luke had decided who he was to become for him. It had all worked out as it did. The Force brought him to Rey. Now they were like this. Rey’s hand in his hair had steadily become one of his favorite things.]

I just wanted to know who he was. I think only Obi-Wan was the one who understood him best. I’m... also trying to learn from him, like you are.

I understand that. I wish... I wish I'd been honest with myself sooner, about who my parents were. I might have been able to leave Jakku years ago. I know that's not exactly the same, but... she should have told you before.

[ She bites her lip, smiling a little as he mentions trying to learn from Obi-Wan. ]

He's a good teacher. I've learned a lot from him. I'm glad you've been talking to him, too.

It might not be the same but what you went through... it still matters to me. Even if you lied to yourself that they would come back, you shouldn't have had to do it at all.

[He looks almost stern as he says it, though it just shows how serious he feels about it.]

Your parents shouldn't have abandoned you. They don't deserve who you are now.

[He didn't know whether she hated them or not but he hated them for abandoning her. Even if he'd felt alone, his parents had never truly abandoned him until his mother decided to send him to train with Luke.]

I'm glad you have Obi-Wan. You deserve to have a teacher who wants to teach you, who wants to help you hone your skills.

[Luke hadn't been that for her. While Kylo himself wanted to teach her, he knew that it had been good for her to learn from a true Jedi Master. Obi-Wan was a skilled fighter and a good person, even if Kylo might have ruined things between them a bit by telling him what Luke had done and why he could never go back to the Jedi even if he wanted to.]

I know. It... hurts, but I know.

[ She's accepted that truth, for whatever it was worth. It hurts her heart to think about it, but she's found a family. With Ben, and with others here. She's happy now, and finally feels like she might belong. ]

You deserve that too. A teacher who wants to help you, not use you.

[ Like Snoke had. ]

[Tenderly, his fingers trace her cheek. He wished that he could just drive away all the bad memories they'd held onto for so long. He could almost picture her nights, laying awake while staring at the marked walls of her AT AT house. Those lonely nights were something he had in common with her, feeling lost in his own destiny.

He hated that she had been hurt by her parent's mistakes. They were so much worse than what his parents had done. Years of neglect didn't quite compare to years of abandonment. His act of cutting out that part of his life had created a hole so large that he hadn't been sure he could fill it again, yet Rey had helped him begin to heal a bit at a time. He wanted to help her too.]

I'm not sure I should continue seeking him out. I think it causes him too much pain to be reminded of my grandfather.

[Yet he wanted a teacher. Obi-Wan didn't seem at all perturbed by him as his family had been. He'd even taught him a few things. Still, their relationship was complex and one filled with years of misery that stretched three generations of Skywalkers. His family was cursed by this pain. The last thing he wanted was to further inflict this onto Obi-Wan.]

[ Rey shakes her head as he says that, lips pressed together. ]

I'm sure he wouldn't want that. Everything that happened with Anakin is... it's new to him. But given time, he'll be glad to see whatever similarities you both have.

[ Obi-Wan has told her a little of Anakin, and she can see the similarities in what she's learned of the man who became Vader. ]

Maybe. I wonder now if my parents thought I had too much of him in me, maybe that's why my mother sent me away. She was afraid I'd become him.

[He presses his lips together, tentatively opening the lid again despite wanting to shove it down before. He was so scared of being rejected, of saying something about his parents she wouldn't agree with. They were good and he was bad, or something like that. Everything was polar opposite to who he was. Somehow the only thing in his life to meet him in the middle was her.]

I don't want him to see what she saw in me, what Luke saw in me.

Ben, your mother loves you.

[ She's certain of that. Pushing herself up a little she wraps her arm around him, pulling him close. ]

Luke too. He made a mistake, he punished himself for failing you. But even years later, when he spoke of you, it was with love in his voice. Obi-Wan will see what I see. I know it.

[He feels himself stiffen when she asserts how much love his family has for him. He knew his mother still loved him, had felt it when he'd nearly blown her ship out of space, but that didn't erase all the years he'd felt completely alone. Nor did knowing they loved him erase what Luke had done to him.]

A mistake makes it sound like he tripped and his lightsaber ignited inches from my face.

[He takes a breath, not meaning to sound angry with her.]

He might have come to feel remorse after the fact but it doesn't change what happened and knowing he felt bad about it doesn't change anything either.

[If anything, the one person who had been relatively blameless in all this had been his mostly absent father.]

[ Rey exhales, knowing that this is a sore topic for Ben. It's strange in so many ways, because she would give anything to have what he had, family that loved him. She can't entirely sympathize with his anger, but at the same time, she understands it. She was abandoned, he was neglected. ]

People can change, Ben. I feel like you and I are proof that something that happens in the moment shouldn't necessarily define you for the rest of your life.

[He sighs, just letting his arms wrap around her and trying not to let his temper get the better of him. He wished she could just be on his side in this, that she could be as angry on his behalf as he was for what happened. She's been spending enough time with his family now that he almost feels like they poison her against him. He has to push that thought away as soon as it comes.]

I'm sorry. I can't just... pretend the last six years didn't happen. I wish I could.

[He might wish that he could pretend it all didn't happen but that didn't mean he was ready to let it go. It was funny considering he preached to her about letting the past die.]

I'm sorry I brought it up. Let's just... lay here I guess. I keep opening my mouth and things keep coming out.

[ Frowning she leans her head against his shoulder, tense but trying not to be. She wants to help him get all of this out, but she just doesn't know how. Rubbing her hand over the back of his shoulder she nods her head, lips pressed together. ]

Okay. Let's drop it.

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