letoldthingsdie | IC Inbox faderift

It would have been better to hear it before she had no other choice but to be honest with me. I don’t know that I would have felt better hearing it as a child but I would have appreciated hearing it from her sooner than I did.

[There was no way to know if it would have changed his fate. Luke had decided who he was to become for him. It had all worked out as it did. The Force brought him to Rey. Now they were like this. Rey’s hand in his hair had steadily become one of his favorite things.]

I just wanted to know who he was. I think only Obi-Wan was the one who understood him best. I’m... also trying to learn from him, like you are.

I understand that. I wish... I wish I'd been honest with myself sooner, about who my parents were. I might have been able to leave Jakku years ago. I know that's not exactly the same, but... she should have told you before.

[ She bites her lip, smiling a little as he mentions trying to learn from Obi-Wan. ]

He's a good teacher. I've learned a lot from him. I'm glad you've been talking to him, too.

It might not be the same but what you went through... it still matters to me. Even if you lied to yourself that they would come back, you shouldn't have had to do it at all.

[He looks almost stern as he says it, though it just shows how serious he feels about it.]

Your parents shouldn't have abandoned you. They don't deserve who you are now.

[He didn't know whether she hated them or not but he hated them for abandoning her. Even if he'd felt alone, his parents had never truly abandoned him until his mother decided to send him to train with Luke.]

I'm glad you have Obi-Wan. You deserve to have a teacher who wants to teach you, who wants to help you hone your skills.

[Luke hadn't been that for her. While Kylo himself wanted to teach her, he knew that it had been good for her to learn from a true Jedi Master. Obi-Wan was a skilled fighter and a good person, even if Kylo might have ruined things between them a bit by telling him what Luke had done and why he could never go back to the Jedi even if he wanted to.]

I know. It... hurts, but I know.

[ She's accepted that truth, for whatever it was worth. It hurts her heart to think about it, but she's found a family. With Ben, and with others here. She's happy now, and finally feels like she might belong. ]

You deserve that too. A teacher who wants to help you, not use you.

[ Like Snoke had. ]

[Tenderly, his fingers trace her cheek. He wished that he could just drive away all the bad memories they'd held onto for so long. He could almost picture her nights, laying awake while staring at the marked walls of her AT AT house. Those lonely nights were something he had in common with her, feeling lost in his own destiny.

He hated that she had been hurt by her parent's mistakes. They were so much worse than what his parents had done. Years of neglect didn't quite compare to years of abandonment. His act of cutting out that part of his life had created a hole so large that he hadn't been sure he could fill it again, yet Rey had helped him begin to heal a bit at a time. He wanted to help her too.]

I'm not sure I should continue seeking him out. I think it causes him too much pain to be reminded of my grandfather.

[Yet he wanted a teacher. Obi-Wan didn't seem at all perturbed by him as his family had been. He'd even taught him a few things. Still, their relationship was complex and one filled with years of misery that stretched three generations of Skywalkers. His family was cursed by this pain. The last thing he wanted was to further inflict this onto Obi-Wan.]

[ Rey shakes her head as he says that, lips pressed together. ]

I'm sure he wouldn't want that. Everything that happened with Anakin is... it's new to him. But given time, he'll be glad to see whatever similarities you both have.

[ Obi-Wan has told her a little of Anakin, and she can see the similarities in what she's learned of the man who became Vader. ]

Maybe. I wonder now if my parents thought I had too much of him in me, maybe that's why my mother sent me away. She was afraid I'd become him.

[He presses his lips together, tentatively opening the lid again despite wanting to shove it down before. He was so scared of being rejected, of saying something about his parents she wouldn't agree with. They were good and he was bad, or something like that. Everything was polar opposite to who he was. Somehow the only thing in his life to meet him in the middle was her.]

I don't want him to see what she saw in me, what Luke saw in me.

Ben, your mother loves you.

[ She's certain of that. Pushing herself up a little she wraps her arm around him, pulling him close. ]

Luke too. He made a mistake, he punished himself for failing you. But even years later, when he spoke of you, it was with love in his voice. Obi-Wan will see what I see. I know it.

[He feels himself stiffen when she asserts how much love his family has for him. He knew his mother still loved him, had felt it when he'd nearly blown her ship out of space, but that didn't erase all the years he'd felt completely alone. Nor did knowing they loved him erase what Luke had done to him.]

A mistake makes it sound like he tripped and his lightsaber ignited inches from my face.

[He takes a breath, not meaning to sound angry with her.]

He might have come to feel remorse after the fact but it doesn't change what happened and knowing he felt bad about it doesn't change anything either.

[If anything, the one person who had been relatively blameless in all this had been his mostly absent father.]

[ Rey exhales, knowing that this is a sore topic for Ben. It's strange in so many ways, because she would give anything to have what he had, family that loved him. She can't entirely sympathize with his anger, but at the same time, she understands it. She was abandoned, he was neglected. ]

People can change, Ben. I feel like you and I are proof that something that happens in the moment shouldn't necessarily define you for the rest of your life.

[He sighs, just letting his arms wrap around her and trying not to let his temper get the better of him. He wished she could just be on his side in this, that she could be as angry on his behalf as he was for what happened. She's been spending enough time with his family now that he almost feels like they poison her against him. He has to push that thought away as soon as it comes.]

I'm sorry. I can't just... pretend the last six years didn't happen. I wish I could.

[He might wish that he could pretend it all didn't happen but that didn't mean he was ready to let it go. It was funny considering he preached to her about letting the past die.]

I'm sorry I brought it up. Let's just... lay here I guess. I keep opening my mouth and things keep coming out.

[ Frowning she leans her head against his shoulder, tense but trying not to be. She wants to help him get all of this out, but she just doesn't know how. Rubbing her hand over the back of his shoulder she nods her head, lips pressed together. ]

Okay. Let's drop it.

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