letoldthingsdie | IC Inbox faderift

[ There had been some indirect proclamations of love earlier, but there's no mistaking this and it makes her heart feel so full. She never would have expected this feeling, like everything is perfect in the universe.

She leans her head against his, closing her eyes as she gently strokes get hand over the back of his head, unable and unwilling to suppress the smile on her face. ]

I know.

[He had never felt more centered or at peace with himself. The fact that she loved him back, that he was even capable of loving her at all, made all the difference. For so long he thought perhaps he belonged in the dark, that his family legacy was all he would ever be. Now, it didn't seem to matter anymore. The galaxy he wanted her to rule with him was so far away.

Sighing, he presses kisses to her shoulder and up the side of her neck, his large hands moving up and down her back. She was warm, curled up against him in bed with her leg wrapped around him to keep the two of them connected skin to skin. He'd never get tired of feeling her skin against his as well as her breath, her hair - all of her.]

You're so lovely... so warm. I can't believe you're mine, that you want me at all.

[He didn't mean to sound so self depreciating, but it was an honest confession. His hand settles on her arm that was raised so that she could run her fingers through his hair. Besides her, he's fairly sure the only person who ever loved his hair this much had been his mother. It made him feel adored, having Rey touch it now and as often as she pleased.]

[ Rey turns her head so she can press her forehead to his, her hand in his hair settling into an idle pattern. She finds it strange that he feels unworthy of her, although she also understands it. She would have been disgusted at the thought, before their connection had given them a deeper understanding of one-another. But now, she can't possibly imagine anyone who would be her equal the way he is. ]

You don't give yourself enough credit. You're my other half, in so many ways. Our lives were imbalanced before because we'd never met. We're happy, now.

[He wants to protest that he's done several horrible things to her and people she cared about, that he doesn't deserve this, but it would mean denying her what she wants. He can't find it in himself to disappoint her again.]

We are. [He agrees, of course. He's very happy with her even if he knows he isn't worthy of it. It isn't just about her, but the wrongness he's always felt within himself and that feeling of not quite meeting expectations or fitting in where he should. It had caused him to be alone for much of his life, until her.]

Sorry, I keep... saying the same things over and over.

[And thinking them. He knows she can hear those too. He sighs, trying to let his shoulders relax and let himself relax into her touch and the closeness she's granted him.]

I am happy with you.

[He just needed to believe he was worthy of it. Baby steps.]

[ She hasn't forgotten what he's done. And she knows that as much as she wants it to, this, them being together, doesn't erase those things. But she also knows that those things he's done torture him. If he were truly evil, full of darkness and as beyond help as Luke had thought him, he wouldn't ache at the thought of his father. ]

You can keep saying them. Until it feels natural.

[ She may be frustrated with him at times, but she's also patient. She kisses him, once on his cheek over his scar, then again on the lips. ]

You deserve to be happy.

As long as you don't get sick of me saying it.

[He gives her a bit of a crooked smile, his mouth pressing back against hers when she kisses him. Somehow he was learning that there could be different kisses between them - not always full of passion or leaving him with barely contained need. There were simpler feelings that a kiss could convey: contentment, harmony, joy. For a moment he just looks at her, his eyes awash with love and his mouth parted slightly in a relaxed 'O' shape.]

Maybe. [Maybe he does deserve to be happy. He knows it's what his father would want, even if he didn't deserve it after what he'd done. He hadn't been sure he could come back from it until now. Rey being willing to put it aside helped even if he felt envious of her ability to just settle into this with him and let herself be happy.]

[ Sometimes his expressions are difficult to read. He tends to keep things close to his chest, and while he certainly exploded at times, there were other times when he could be close to boiling but outwardly calm. It helps that she has an insider track to his mind, but she doesn't need to use their bond to see what's in his eyes now. Just like she doesn't need a mirror to know that the love in his eyes is reflected in her own.

She kisses him again, before pulling back and smiling at him. ]

Definitely.

[ She punctuates the word by kissing him on the forehead, before retreating completely from him and getting up from the bed, looking around the floor before she finds his discarded shirt and pulling it on. Once she's a little less exposed she climbs back onto the bed, settling next to him again. ]

You're not as bad as you think you are.

There's still... a lot that I can't make up for.

[At least he's made up for the things he's put her through, in small ways. He doubted everything else but his path with Rey seemed so much more clear than it had a few months ago. Yet put him back in their galaxy and he didn't know that this would be there waiting. He still felt lost.]

Things I've done on Snoke's orders. You may not see me as bad but the things I've done certainly aren't good either.

[He props himself up on one elbow when she settles again, his free hand settling on her waist.]

This is good. Really good but I don't want to forget that I've killed hundreds of people without batting an eye.

[He grimaces, realizing he's doing it again. Turning everything into some a list of reasons why Rey shouldn't choose him, why she'd be better off.]

Mm.

[He shakes his head, some dark shaggy curls falling into his eyes as he does. He's tired of constantly thinking about it and yet - if he doesn't remember what he's done, who will? He realizes that when these thoughts come up, his own darkness pollutes whatever light has come inside of him by being around her. His worst nightmare is that his moods, his negativity, will turn her off and make her want to leave.

Yet he knows. She's waited a long time for her family. She was good at waiting and fixing broken things.

Will you wait for me too?

He doesn't ask aloud, but he looks at her and searches for her hand to hold in his larger one. He felt better when they held hands, even if doing so in public had embarrassed him at first. He didn't want to be afraid of this like he was every other aspect of himself.]

Edited 2018-05-22 04:00 (UTC)

[ She listens to him as he spirals, one arm pillowing her head, her brow furrowed. This battle within him isn't something she can do more than be a reassurance that it isn't the end-all be-all. When he seeks out her hand she laces her fingers through his. ]

I was waiting for you before I knew who you were.

[ Squeezing his fingers she shifts closer to him, resting her forehead against his and closing her eyes. ]

You don't need to make up for everything you've done. That you want to... It says so much of how far you've come.

[He closes his eyes, breath catching at her words. Distantly, he knows that maybe he was waiting for her too.]

Me too. I wish... I wish I'd met you sooner. I wish Luke had the faith in me that you do.

[He doesn't like talking about Luke. It was just a reminder of how hurt he still was. When she presses her forehead against his, he squeezes her hand back.]

I wanted to be good once. I tried to be good.

[Just as he was trying now. He's let her in a few steps at a time, let her see the ugly monster lurking beneath the darkness in him. He hates how he spirals like this, how everything was split so evenly between good and evil. It made him think of his conversation with Bethany, how people had shades of gray in them - light and dark.]

[ She's surprised to hear him speak of Luke. He doesn't often. It's sort of become this subject that they don't talk about, even though there's still so much to say. She wants to defend Luke, because of what he did in the end, and because of what he represents. But she had attacked him, too. Attacked him in defense of Ben Solo. That memory flows like water, something he can catch glimpse of it, if he's looking. ]

Luke let his fear that he might fail you be his undoing. You don't need to try to be anything. You are a good person, Ben. I see it in you, bright and clear.

[He can see the memory, drifting between the two of them and while he felt a sense of pride seeing Rey fight his uncle, he knew Luke had been holding back against her.

This isn't going to go the way you think. He'd been right, of course. Rey had tried to get him to come with her, to stop the destruction of the Rebel fleet, but he didn't. While he saw Rey defending him, he also saw her tear streaked face when he'd held his hand out to her in the throne room. It made his throat feel tight all over again just thinking about it. It made him want to flee. Instead he fights the urge and keeps her hand in his.]

He could have killed you if he'd been serious.

[He knows from experience. Before that particular memory can sweep through their bond he pushes it back as far as he can. The fact that Luke had been unable to kill her when her powers had grown so quickly, the fact that he'd spared Darth Vader instead of his nephew, made Kylo feel bitter all over again.

Rey might believe in him but she was no Luke Skywalker. Luke had been a legend and a source of great strength in the Light side of the force. He'd known the right thing to do was to try and kill his nephew.]

Can we- talk about something. Anything else. I don't want to talk about Luke.

[He didn't mean to just utterly shut it down when he'd been the one to bring it up, but already he felt he'd slipped too far back into old memories he didn't want to think about. They had no place here.]

Before all of the phylactery business - tell me about what you were up to today?

[Yes. Ask her how her day was. Get her to talk about anything but Luke Skywalker. He wasn't ready to pick at those wounds when they were so fresh.]

[ She feels him closing off from it even as she tries to hold on. She wants him to realize that his uncle loved him still after all this time, that he'd realized what a mistake he'd made. But maybe it isn't her place to try and build that bridge.

Exhaling she settles back against the mattress, bringing his hand up to press a kiss to his knuckles. ]

Nothing interesting. There was a pipe leak that needed repairing, replaced a door that had some significant wood rot... I'd just gotten back to my room when everything happened. What were you up to?

Fixing the practice equipment in the training yard.

[That he broke. Of course. He didn't exactly go easy on it. A small smile touches his lips at the memory and when she kisses his knuckles.]

When I was done I found Iorveth in front of the notice board where he put a knife into it.

Edited 2018-05-23 04:40 (UTC)

Are you the one who broke it in the first place?

[ She knows he was. Few others were as hard on the training equipment as he. she wrinkles her nose at the next thing, tilting her head to the side. ]

The Inquisition isn't going to love that. Defacing property.

It's not my fault they just stand there. It'd be better if someone rigged them to move.

[He was absolutely a snob when it came to the lack of technological in this place.]

I'm sure he'll fix it. He's not really the type to just go about randomly breaking things when he's angry.

[Such as a certain Supreme Leader who was prone to fits of anger.]

[ She looks thoughtful for a moment, contemplating the logistics of moving targets. It's harder in this place, but not impossible. Of course there are other options, too. ]

You could always spar with me.

I could if you want. I sparred with Obi-Wan once.

[Had he told her about that? It had ended on a bit of a bitter sweet note. He'd wanted to know more about his grandfather and Obi-Wan hadn't been able to handle the conversation.]

We talked a bit. About him. What he was like before he turned. No one ever talked about him beyond the fact that he'd committed atrocities across the galaxy.

[He knows he doesn't have to explain who the 'him' he refers to is. Of course he would ask the man who taught his grandfather to be a Jedi who he had really been.]

I didn't even know he was my grandfather until I'd already left to train with Luke. One of my mother's political opponents found out about it and tried to use it to hurt her career.

There weren't that many people left in the galaxy who knew him before he was Vader, when we were growing up.

[ Rey furrowed her brow, reaching out to idly smooth her free hand over his hair, brushing it away from his face. ]

Would it have been easier to know you were related to him when you were a child?

It would have been better to hear it before she had no other choice but to be honest with me. I don’t know that I would have felt better hearing it as a child but I would have appreciated hearing it from her sooner than I did.

[There was no way to know if it would have changed his fate. Luke had decided who he was to become for him. It had all worked out as it did. The Force brought him to Rey. Now they were like this. Rey’s hand in his hair had steadily become one of his favorite things.]

I just wanted to know who he was. I think only Obi-Wan was the one who understood him best. I’m... also trying to learn from him, like you are.

I understand that. I wish... I wish I'd been honest with myself sooner, about who my parents were. I might have been able to leave Jakku years ago. I know that's not exactly the same, but... she should have told you before.

[ She bites her lip, smiling a little as he mentions trying to learn from Obi-Wan. ]

He's a good teacher. I've learned a lot from him. I'm glad you've been talking to him, too.

It might not be the same but what you went through... it still matters to me. Even if you lied to yourself that they would come back, you shouldn't have had to do it at all.

[He looks almost stern as he says it, though it just shows how serious he feels about it.]

Your parents shouldn't have abandoned you. They don't deserve who you are now.

[He didn't know whether she hated them or not but he hated them for abandoning her. Even if he'd felt alone, his parents had never truly abandoned him until his mother decided to send him to train with Luke.]

I'm glad you have Obi-Wan. You deserve to have a teacher who wants to teach you, who wants to help you hone your skills.

[Luke hadn't been that for her. While Kylo himself wanted to teach her, he knew that it had been good for her to learn from a true Jedi Master. Obi-Wan was a skilled fighter and a good person, even if Kylo might have ruined things between them a bit by telling him what Luke had done and why he could never go back to the Jedi even if he wanted to.]

I know. It... hurts, but I know.

[ She's accepted that truth, for whatever it was worth. It hurts her heart to think about it, but she's found a family. With Ben, and with others here. She's happy now, and finally feels like she might belong. ]

You deserve that too. A teacher who wants to help you, not use you.

[ Like Snoke had. ]

[Tenderly, his fingers trace her cheek. He wished that he could just drive away all the bad memories they'd held onto for so long. He could almost picture her nights, laying awake while staring at the marked walls of her AT AT house. Those lonely nights were something he had in common with her, feeling lost in his own destiny.

He hated that she had been hurt by her parent's mistakes. They were so much worse than what his parents had done. Years of neglect didn't quite compare to years of abandonment. His act of cutting out that part of his life had created a hole so large that he hadn't been sure he could fill it again, yet Rey had helped him begin to heal a bit at a time. He wanted to help her too.]

I'm not sure I should continue seeking him out. I think it causes him too much pain to be reminded of my grandfather.

[Yet he wanted a teacher. Obi-Wan didn't seem at all perturbed by him as his family had been. He'd even taught him a few things. Still, their relationship was complex and one filled with years of misery that stretched three generations of Skywalkers. His family was cursed by this pain. The last thing he wanted was to further inflict this onto Obi-Wan.]

[ Rey shakes her head as he says that, lips pressed together. ]

I'm sure he wouldn't want that. Everything that happened with Anakin is... it's new to him. But given time, he'll be glad to see whatever similarities you both have.

[ Obi-Wan has told her a little of Anakin, and she can see the similarities in what she's learned of the man who became Vader. ]

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