letoldthingsdie | IC Inbox faderift

[Her dreams had been unknown to him, save for the glimpses he'd seen in her mind when they had first met. He knew Snoke would have impacted her greatly, just as he had done him for so many years. What he hadn't anticipated was the moment her walls came down and her screams and her pain filled his senses, slamming into his heart like a battering ram.

He'd been laying awake, as he often did, trying to focus his own mind and will himself into his world of dark and fitful nightmares that kept him company, when it happened. He saw her near him so clearly he thought she had somehow appeared in his room. Her emotions - the fear, the anxiety from her memory of Snoke sifting through her mind and discarding thoughts like crumpled bits of paper, was so raw when it hit him that it made his stomach lurch.]

She lets me in now of all times...? Rey. [He says her name and, when he finds her unable to listen to him, he rises from his bed, trying to ignore the sight of her thrashing around in it beside him. He can hear her screams and wails ringing in his ears as he moves, barefoot, to the hall beyond his room. He immediately moves to her room and, when he finds the lock barring him from entering, he rips the door knob free with a gesture that splinters the wood where it had been nailed into the door as he does.]

Rey. [He calls to her, his voice low and soothing.]

[ When the door swings open there's a low growl, coming from the bed where Rey is currently shaking, eyes squeezed shut as tears stream down the sides of her face. Padawan is laying almost on top of her, trying to calm her, which has obviously been something the mabari has done before, but tonight it's not working. The growl is more of a warning than aggression, she knows that this human has some kind of connection to Rey, had picked up as much from body language and smells.

Still, he just broke the door and the dog isn't moving until he gives her a good reason to. ]

[He stands in the doorway, eyes leveling with Padawan. He shakes his head, having no patience for the dog's nonsense. He could see she was trying to help her master and it wasn't working.]

You poor creature, you have no idea what she fights in her dreams, do you?

[His voice is calm and he does his best to show her how non-threatening he is, keeping his hands raised as he approaches the two of them. He touches Padawan first, once he's sure she isn't going to rip his arm off, resting a hand to her head as sits beside the inconsolable Jedi.]

This is the price you pay for trying to save me, you know.

[Had she not delivered herself to him like a delicious meal for Snoke to grind his teeth on, she wouldn't be in this mess. Gently, his hand rests on her shoulder. If Padawan lets him, he brings his arms beneath Rey's smaller curled up form and pulls the blankets with him as carries her in his arms bridal style.]

[ Padawan whines as Kylo speaks to her, laying her head down on Rey's chest before lookg at him, expressing that she wants to help Rey, but doesn't know how. If Kylo can, she will allow him to.

When he touches her Rey's body tenses, but she seems to quiet, though the tears don't stop and her eyes are still tightly closed, he'll sense the confusion swirling around her as she starts to get control of herself again, his presence lending her that aid.

When he gathers her into his arms she curls against him, the movement enough to finally wake her. She's disoriented and doesn't struggle, too caught between the terror of the nightmare and the uncertainty of waking. ]

Ben?

[ She murmurs, her head resting against his shoulder. ]

[His arm wraps around her shoulders at it had in their ice cave, trapped and freezing and wondering when the blizzard would stop. She was warmer, pressed against him, nearly skin to skin were it not for the blanket he kept around her. When her cheek touches his bare shoulder he closes his eyes against the sensation and the onslaught of confusion and fear that still lingered inside of her and telegraphed to him through their connection.

His eyes drop to her small form, curled up against him like she'd been when he'd carried her back to the Finalizer to pry out her secrets. What he'd done to her had been gentle in comparison to Snoke. Her thoughts hadn't all been that intriguing but their kindred spirits called to him even now. Now they had something else in common and the thought made his throat tighten.

He stays seated on her bed, with her curled up in his lap, while he tries to remember how to breathe and keep his thoughts from leaking out to her. He couldn't close her out from their bond but he could help her through this.]

You called me here.

[He leaned into her then, his scarred cheek pressing to hers, the smell of soap and clean hair filling his senses as he does his best to console her. He didn't know what he was doing and wondered if she might pull away from him once she realized he was truly here and not some figment. Still, he couldn't ignore her - not when he knew what it had felt like.

While what Snoke had done to him over years had been much more like a whisper it had been no less pervasive. It had been Snoke who had taught him real pain, pushing into his mind just as forcefully as he did Rey but over a magnitude of time that couldn't be replaced. He had spent the better part of his teen years, lonely and filled with Snoke's voice in his head that sowed doubts within his heart and fueled his thirst to be stronger than anyone.

Making his decision, he adjusts her in his arms, one arm hooking under her knees and the other wrapped around her in a tight embrace, and moves steadily towards the hall again. He jerks his chin upwards, signalling that Rey's guardian follow him as he leads them to his room.]

[ She blinks slowly, she can feel his skin against hers but it doesn't make her panic, it's calming. His presence and the thoughts he can't keep from her mingle with the edges of her conscious, waking her up a little more, the nightmare slowly fading in the presence of reality. She hears Padawan whine and looks towards the dog, reaching out to pet her only to be lifted up.

That causes a slight panic, but it's more the sensation of being lifted that alarms her than the act of it. She wraps her arms around his neck, an automatic motion to steady herself. She notices her door as they pass it, and she frowns, her gaze drifting up to his chin. ]

You broke my door.

It was locked.

[He was completely deadpan, speaking plainly as if breaking the lock made all the sense in the world. When they make it to his room, the door opening and closing behind the three of them with a nudge of his foot, he drops her onto his bed without a word spared for her while he moves to the other side of the bed and crawls beneath he linens again.]

I'll fix it tomorrow.

[He hesitates, not sure what she wants him to do or if she'll get up and leave him now that she's here. He had no idea what he was doing or what she expected him to do, but hearing her screams inside his head and seeing her cry had been too much for him. It reminded him of himself far too much for his liking.]

Sleep.

[ Rey honestly doesn't know what to do when he deposits her on his bed, and she turns to watch him, still confused as he climbs into his bed himself. Now that she's awake and the adrenaline from her dream is ebbing away, she's trying to process all of this. He'd said she'd called to him, and when she pauses to open her mind, she realizes that she'd knocked down the barrier she'd constructed.

She rubs her face, wiping away the drying tears and turning to look at him, gathering her blankets around herself and laying down. Padawan jumps up on the bed and lays alongside her, leaving Rey bracketed on both sides by warm bodies. She buries her fingers in Padawan's fur for a moment, before turning, looking over her shoulder at Ben. ]

Why did you break into my room?

[ It doesn't make sense to her, not really. He could have just let her scream it out. Furthermore, why is she in his bed, now? There's a lot going on here and she's having trouble processing it. ]

It was locked and you were calling for me. What was I supposed to do?

[The way she'd said his name had been gut wrenching. He couldn't leave her alone, not when he understood how much it hurt. His dreams weren't exactly nice either. He could have left her there to cry and probably would have had she not suddenly appeared next to him, in his bed, in the very spot she now occupied.]

Are you alright now?

[He pushed experimentally against their bond, sensing the lingering tendrils of her nightmare plaguing her. He wouldn't let her alone to thoughts like that. He had told her hadn't he? She wasn't alone.]

[ That doesn't clear that up, not really. She turns towards him, rolling over onto her side and faced him, studying his face. She wants to reach out to him but she keeps herself reigned in, not entirely certain what he's trying to accomplish by putting her in his bed.

His question gives her pause, and she can feel him pressing against the bond, that gentle pressure so different from what she'd experienced before. She slowly shakes her head, her brow furrowing. ]

How do you deal with this?

I dealt with it by letting him hurt you so I could find an opening to kill him.

[His gaze drops from hers, guilt leaking out through their bond like a hesitant tendril of emotion. He didn't deserve to be guilty. He's done so much worse things in Snoke's name. He didn't deal with anything. He welcomed what Snoke offered him with open arms because the alternative was being alone, scorned for the monster he was. That had all changed when she had come into his life.]

I don't deal with anything. Not really. I've just grown used to it.

[He'd had a few years to carve through the pain and fill the void with anger and his obsession with his grandfather's legacy. She had none of that and the weight of her pain was going to crush them both if he let it.]

[ She can feel that that's not the entire truth, feel the guilt in him for allowing Snoke to torture her the way he had. She doesn't blame him for that, and with some hesitance she allows him to feel that. She had went to the Supremacy willingly, knowing full well it might mean facing Snoke. ]

Ben.

[ She says his name softly, hesitating before holding her hand out to him. ]

Thank you. For waking me.

[Honestly, not blaming him was part of the problem. He had used her as a means to an end. Her showing up had been his opportunity to kill his master. He regretted that she was suffering for it now but at the time he'd seen it as necessary to keep up the facade and he hadn't cared at all about what it would do to her. He knows he shouldn't care now, but seeing her pain and feeling it so acutely as if it were his own was enough to sway him to sympathy.

His gaze drops to her hand, her small fingers peeking out from her blankets to reach for him just as she'd done in her little hut on Luke's island. Like a moth to the flame, he's drawn to her. He reaches out to her, threading his fingers in hers and inching closer as he got more comfortable. He lets out a shaky breath, trying to remember how much he hated this girl and yet his thoughts are full of how she drew him into her orbit, intriguing him endlessly.

She had seemed so completely average, strapped to that chair with her eyes closed while he watched her through his mask. It wasn't until she woke up that he understood how much more she was. The Force had clearly intended to vex him with her unwavering presence for the rest of his days.]

I could feel your pain as if it was my own. You opened up the connection to me. Was that just unconsciously done or was it something else?

[Perhaps it was better he didn't know.]

[ Rey exhales as his fingers find hers, that spark she'd experienced the first time they'd touched no less apparent now. The visions don't come, thankfully, but that connection. She could have survived without it, it would have been easier. But she's glad she'd opened it again, let him back in. ]

I meant to do it.

[ She knows that, it's clearer to her, now. She might not have been lucid dreaming in the clearest sense, but she's had nightmares a few times since he'd come to Thedas. She could have kept the connection closed this time too, but she hadn't. ]

I might not have meant to do it... that way, but I can't keep you shut out.

[Part of him is relieved, even if their connection was sometimes vexing. He'd been able to open up to her, something he hadn't done in a long time with anyone. He could have gone on without it but having her so near with this invisible wall between them was more vexing than having their connection within the Force.]

You're lucky I was awake. I would have been annoyed having you waking me up with all that screaming.

[He was trying for teasing, his lips curling at the corners while his thumb traces circles over her wrist.]

I... can't say if it will get easier. You and I aren't exactly the same, but... I can try to help you sleep.

[He wasn't sure how he could, but he would try.]

[ Her brows draw together before arching when she realizes he's joking with her. That barest of smiles is enough to spark that light of hope in her chest that the future she had seen might still be possible. She tries to keep that feeling from catching and burning through her like wildfire, but it's hard when he's being so kind.

His offer makes her a little uneasy, though not the thought of sleeping, so much as the thought of dreaming again. But she knows that she should at least make an attempt, so she nods her head. ]

Please.

Just... trust me.

[He moves into her space then, hoping she can feel how much he wants her to trust him. He had no intention of hurting her, the both of them were far too vulnerable in this moment. He adjusts her in her cocoon of a blanket, making her pillow - his pillow from his bed - sit more comfortably beneath her head and she was on her back beside him while he hovered over her, his free hand reached out, resting at her temple, while the other stayed securely clutching her hand.]

You've meditated before, I'm going to assume, so you understand the principle idea.

[Reaching out with her senses, feeling the life around her, becoming grounded within those sensations. When he had been younger, he often enjoyed meditation the most out of his Jedi training. He certainly liked building his lightsaber and using it, but meditation had helped him. It kept the thoughts in his head at bay, kept Snoke's whispers at bay for a short while.

Closing his eyes, he reaches out with his own senses, projecting the calm lull of lives that thrived within the Force. Life, death and decay that feeds new life, warmth, cold, peace, violence... the balance would ground her just as it did him now. He takes a breath, pushing these sensations towards her through their connection.]

[ She doesn't know if she can trust him, really. Oh, she wants to, and while she's anxious as he adjusts her cocoon and pillow, hovering over her, she tries to force herself to relax. She knows he won't hurt her. Even after destroying Luke's saber, she knows there's more than just simple dark and light between them.

Exhaling as he hovers over her and touches her temple she wills her body to relax, trying not to think about how fast her heart is beating in this moment and how it has nothing to do with the fact that she might not trust him.

Meditation is something she's familiar with. She has meditated often, finding that calm where she could. It surprises her that he draws on it too, so easily pushing the sensations to her. Her eyes fall closed as she focuses on it, a slow smile drawing across her lips. ]

The balance.

[ She murmurs, remembering two masters teaching her similar lessons. Obi-Wan first, but Luke too. Balance found here in Thedas, and there on Ahch-To. Her fingers tighten on his a little, the anxiety bleeding out of her as the peace of this moment surges over her. There's that balance between them, too. She can feel it, had felt it the first time they'd touched. She wonders if he can feel it too, but doesn't reach out for his mind, afraid of what she might find. ]

[Having their bond opened up to him again gave him access to some of her emotions that she might not readily share. He can feel her trying to relax, feel how his presence near her makes her heart race. He shelves that last bit, not wanting to touch on it. It made him nervous, quite frankly, but he was doing this for her. He needed to focus on that.]

Yes.

[His own heart leaps into his throat when she smiles and calm takes over her at last. He can feel the essence of their two natures - light and dark - reaching out to each of them, just as her fingers curled around his. He adjusts his weight over her, shifting so that her hand is pressed against the bed with his above it. The other reaches for a stray lock of hair, brushing it away from her face. Something about this moment, like the first time they had touched hands in her hut, felt raw and left his emotions feeling exposed. He doesn't think this was a mistake but the word compassion suddenly comes to mind and he's left internally reeling. He doesn't want her touching on his thoughts or feelings any more than she does.]

Do you feel it?

[Let it calm her mind, fill her senses. He rarely ever did this to help himself sleep, but once upon a time he'd tried. Now he just accepted that his demons would never let him rest.]

[ She can feel his emotions swirling around her, an odd balance to her own. She hears that word echoing in her mind and she opens her eyes, looking up at him, curiously. Part of her thinks he's just doing this because he wouldn't have been able to sleep otherwise. But she remembers the look on his face when he'd asked her to join him. There hadn't been anger or a raw desire for power, he'd seemed vulnerable.

He strikes her now still, as very vulnerable. ]

I feel it. Do you?

I'm not the one screaming and thrashing in my sleep.

[It was more important for her to take this lesson than it was for him to do so. Even so, when her eyes open again and she looks up at him he feels his pulse jump.]

Taking all of that in, surrounding yourself with the Force... it should help you empty your thoughts so you'll be able to sleep.

[Damned if he doesn't realize how physically close they are in this moment. It normally didn't bother him - he'd carried her in here without a thought - but now he feels far too exposed. She was sensing his thoughts and emotions. That was a dangerous thing for someone who spent half their life inside their own head without anyone else seeing it save for Snoke. Whatever this connection was, it telegraphed his vulnerabilities to her without any hesitation. Just the fact that she could see these things in him and not chastise him or call him weak for it was more than he deserved.]

But, yes. I do feel it.

[He felt more than that. He felt the same vulnerability reflected back at him like a mirror, felt that same compassion too. It made him so nervous he has to pull away from her again, his hand leaving her temple. He couldn't take his hand away from hers, however. She was holding him in place and he didn't want to pull away completely.]

You should sleep, Rey. If you have more nightmares I can help you again if you need it, but I think we both know you're strong enough on your own.

[Because damn it he didn't want her to keep being able to see inside of him like he was a book with pages to be turned at her leisure. This had been, most assuredly, how she felt when he - and later, Snoke - searched her mind. He worried, on some level, that she saw their connection as such.]

[ Rey shakes herself minutely as he pulls away, having been drawn in by his energy. There had never been a moment like this on the Supremacy. They had either been in conflict with one-another, or fighting side-by-side for their lives. She wonders if this peace between them is how things should be. It's how she wants them to be.

She turns onto her side, facing him. Like him she spent much of her life in solitude, having all of this mental feedback from another person is a little overwhelming. But shutting him out had been a pain, it had given her headaches and possibly contributed to her nightmares getting so bad. There's got to be a balance they can strike here. She doesn't address the compliment, fixating instead on what's unspoken, that concern she feels floating in the air. ]

This isn't the same as what Snoke did. He didn't care that he was hurting me. You do. Even... even when you were trying to get into my head on the Starkiller Base, it barely hurt.

There's still so much we don't understand. The last thing that I want -

[He couldn't quite articulate what he was feeling, and yet he knew she would understand. She always seemed to understand him.]

What Snoke did to you- I felt it too, just as I felt your pain tonight.

[He realizes that he put that pain there by letting Snoke have her even for a moment. He had set her up for the sake of his own desire to kill Snoke before he could kill him. He knows that, on some level, there were moments that he didn't care if she lived or died. Right now he absolutely cared. Feeling her pain so acutely had driven him to act.]

I can't do something like that. What he did.

[Not only was he just not powerful enough within the dark side of the Force, but he'd been so intrigued by her - her thoughts, her loneliness - that the thought of snuffing her out made him hesitate. Yet they collided like two magnets on opposing sides.

Laying with her now, he felt it. He felt her emotions and her energy like an electric current rippling through him. The part of him that he kept locked up tight, vulnerable and weak and useless to him as it was, had reached out to her and saw itself reflected back through her. It unconsciously reached out to her, as his side of their connection did within the Force.]

[ It's funny how a simple statement can cause such a surge of emotion in a person. Try as she might to school the expression on her face, him saying that he can't do what Snoke did nearly makes her heart sing. There is hope for Ben Solo still. She had never given up on him, though she had had no choice but to flee, but she hadn't been sure if when things came out the other side if Ben Solo would be there.

She had hoped, but she just hadn't known. ]

I know that you won't hurt me. I won't-- I don't want to hurt you, either.

[ She knows that he can pick up on her feelings, she tries to keep that surge of hope from overriding that she does care. She had never wanted to hurt him in the throne room, though she knows well enough that she did. ]

[He can feel her hopes for him crashing into him like ocean waves and that was the worst thing about all this - that his compassion for her gave her hope that he could be who she wants him to be. He might not be able to hurt her but that didn't hold true for the countless other lives that thrived in the galaxy. How many lives would he destroy for the sake of his hopes and dreams?

He felt frustrated all over again just as he'd been when she asked him not to go down the path he'd chosen. Some of that leaked through their connection and he really didn't care if she felt those echoes of memory flitting through his thoughts.]

Let's just worry about you sleeping first.

[He wasn't ready to hear yet another plea for him to join her in the Light.]

The rest doesn't matter.

[Except it did. She mattered to him, otherwise why care so much about helping her? Why admit that he felt what she had felt and understood it all too well.]

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