letoldthingsdie | IC Inbox faderift

[Having their bond opened up to him again gave him access to some of her emotions that she might not readily share. He can feel her trying to relax, feel how his presence near her makes her heart race. He shelves that last bit, not wanting to touch on it. It made him nervous, quite frankly, but he was doing this for her. He needed to focus on that.]

Yes.

[His own heart leaps into his throat when she smiles and calm takes over her at last. He can feel the essence of their two natures - light and dark - reaching out to each of them, just as her fingers curled around his. He adjusts his weight over her, shifting so that her hand is pressed against the bed with his above it. The other reaches for a stray lock of hair, brushing it away from her face. Something about this moment, like the first time they had touched hands in her hut, felt raw and left his emotions feeling exposed. He doesn't think this was a mistake but the word compassion suddenly comes to mind and he's left internally reeling. He doesn't want her touching on his thoughts or feelings any more than she does.]

Do you feel it?

[Let it calm her mind, fill her senses. He rarely ever did this to help himself sleep, but once upon a time he'd tried. Now he just accepted that his demons would never let him rest.]

[ She can feel his emotions swirling around her, an odd balance to her own. She hears that word echoing in her mind and she opens her eyes, looking up at him, curiously. Part of her thinks he's just doing this because he wouldn't have been able to sleep otherwise. But she remembers the look on his face when he'd asked her to join him. There hadn't been anger or a raw desire for power, he'd seemed vulnerable.

He strikes her now still, as very vulnerable. ]

I feel it. Do you?

I'm not the one screaming and thrashing in my sleep.

[It was more important for her to take this lesson than it was for him to do so. Even so, when her eyes open again and she looks up at him he feels his pulse jump.]

Taking all of that in, surrounding yourself with the Force... it should help you empty your thoughts so you'll be able to sleep.

[Damned if he doesn't realize how physically close they are in this moment. It normally didn't bother him - he'd carried her in here without a thought - but now he feels far too exposed. She was sensing his thoughts and emotions. That was a dangerous thing for someone who spent half their life inside their own head without anyone else seeing it save for Snoke. Whatever this connection was, it telegraphed his vulnerabilities to her without any hesitation. Just the fact that she could see these things in him and not chastise him or call him weak for it was more than he deserved.]

But, yes. I do feel it.

[He felt more than that. He felt the same vulnerability reflected back at him like a mirror, felt that same compassion too. It made him so nervous he has to pull away from her again, his hand leaving her temple. He couldn't take his hand away from hers, however. She was holding him in place and he didn't want to pull away completely.]

You should sleep, Rey. If you have more nightmares I can help you again if you need it, but I think we both know you're strong enough on your own.

[Because damn it he didn't want her to keep being able to see inside of him like he was a book with pages to be turned at her leisure. This had been, most assuredly, how she felt when he - and later, Snoke - searched her mind. He worried, on some level, that she saw their connection as such.]

[ Rey shakes herself minutely as he pulls away, having been drawn in by his energy. There had never been a moment like this on the Supremacy. They had either been in conflict with one-another, or fighting side-by-side for their lives. She wonders if this peace between them is how things should be. It's how she wants them to be.

She turns onto her side, facing him. Like him she spent much of her life in solitude, having all of this mental feedback from another person is a little overwhelming. But shutting him out had been a pain, it had given her headaches and possibly contributed to her nightmares getting so bad. There's got to be a balance they can strike here. She doesn't address the compliment, fixating instead on what's unspoken, that concern she feels floating in the air. ]

This isn't the same as what Snoke did. He didn't care that he was hurting me. You do. Even... even when you were trying to get into my head on the Starkiller Base, it barely hurt.

There's still so much we don't understand. The last thing that I want -

[He couldn't quite articulate what he was feeling, and yet he knew she would understand. She always seemed to understand him.]

What Snoke did to you- I felt it too, just as I felt your pain tonight.

[He realizes that he put that pain there by letting Snoke have her even for a moment. He had set her up for the sake of his own desire to kill Snoke before he could kill him. He knows that, on some level, there were moments that he didn't care if she lived or died. Right now he absolutely cared. Feeling her pain so acutely had driven him to act.]

I can't do something like that. What he did.

[Not only was he just not powerful enough within the dark side of the Force, but he'd been so intrigued by her - her thoughts, her loneliness - that the thought of snuffing her out made him hesitate. Yet they collided like two magnets on opposing sides.

Laying with her now, he felt it. He felt her emotions and her energy like an electric current rippling through him. The part of him that he kept locked up tight, vulnerable and weak and useless to him as it was, had reached out to her and saw itself reflected back through her. It unconsciously reached out to her, as his side of their connection did within the Force.]

[ It's funny how a simple statement can cause such a surge of emotion in a person. Try as she might to school the expression on her face, him saying that he can't do what Snoke did nearly makes her heart sing. There is hope for Ben Solo still. She had never given up on him, though she had had no choice but to flee, but she hadn't been sure if when things came out the other side if Ben Solo would be there.

She had hoped, but she just hadn't known. ]

I know that you won't hurt me. I won't-- I don't want to hurt you, either.

[ She knows that he can pick up on her feelings, she tries to keep that surge of hope from overriding that she does care. She had never wanted to hurt him in the throne room, though she knows well enough that she did. ]

[He can feel her hopes for him crashing into him like ocean waves and that was the worst thing about all this - that his compassion for her gave her hope that he could be who she wants him to be. He might not be able to hurt her but that didn't hold true for the countless other lives that thrived in the galaxy. How many lives would he destroy for the sake of his hopes and dreams?

He felt frustrated all over again just as he'd been when she asked him not to go down the path he'd chosen. Some of that leaked through their connection and he really didn't care if she felt those echoes of memory flitting through his thoughts.]

Let's just worry about you sleeping first.

[He wasn't ready to hear yet another plea for him to join her in the Light.]

The rest doesn't matter.

[Except it did. She mattered to him, otherwise why care so much about helping her? Why admit that he felt what she had felt and understood it all too well.]

[ Her brows draw together as she feels that frustration, and she realizes what she's done. She knows she needs to wait, and usually she is very good at waiting, but for some reason when it comes to Ben she just wants to keep pushing until he realizes what's right in front of him.

She takes a slow breath, closing her eyes as she attempts to pull her emotions back into herself, clear that conflict and the desire to push him. Just let things happen as they'll happen. Trust in the Force. It will lead them both. ]

I'm trying, believe it or not. I've never slept well, you know that.

[Watching her now, eyes closed and smaller body curled up next to his, left him with that same intrigued feeling he'd had when he'd first brought her aboard his base. He remembered the moment clearly, watching her while she lay unconscious and strapped to a chair on his orders. He thought he could use her to get what he wanted. Strange how that had somehow twisted into something else.]

I know. Just... focus your senses, empty your thoughts.

[His hand, still in hers, relaxes again and his thumb rubs little circles into her skin again as he attempts to instill a calm again. His own breathing was now an even rise and fall of his chest, something she would feel were she close enough to touch him or lay her head against it.]

[ She's trying to focus and empty her thoughts, but his thumb rubbing circles on her skin distracts her, the motion is so alien to her, but it makes her stomach flutter. Reaching out with her other hand she clamps it on top of his, stilling the motion. ]

Stop that.

[ She doesn't say it unkindly, because she doesn't hate the sensation. Leaving her hands the way they are, his captured between both of hers, she cracks her eyes open again, looking at him with a small smile. ]

I can't focus when you're doing that. Just... hold still.

Sorry.

[He would have jerked his hand away, as soon as she says 'Stop that', were she not holding onto him now with both hands. It was like the ice cave all over again, unconsciously reaching out to touch her as much as he could just to have the warmth of physical contact. He stops his thumb from moving, just as she'd asked, but his hand stays in hers.

His own eyes are closed once hers are again and he lets himself drown within the Force, filling his senses while his thoughts of her empty from his mind. He hadn't had a good nights sleep in so long and now that he's actually trying to help her, he realizes this might actually help him too. The absence of Snoke's whispers lurking in the back of his mind like an unwanted invader helped a lot.]

It's okay. But I've never... It was just distracting.

[ She liked how it felt, she can admit to herself, but rather than soothing it made her skin tingle and the last thing she wanted was him to stop. But she's also never shared a bed with another person. She's gotten used to Padawan and the way the dog shifted around in bed, but another human is entirely different.

Still, she doesn't want to let him go, doesn't want to go back to her room where the nightmares happened. At least tonight.

She exhales again, letting her eyes slide closed again. Her hands stay on his as she relaxes, trying to let herself float, rather than getting caught up in her own mind. Easier said than done. ]

Edited 2018-04-02 03:56 (UTC)

[He doesn't answer her, accepting her words instead. She wasn't angry and he wasn't going to distract her. Of course, now that she's here he is having trouble concentrating on sleeping. For now it was probably better he just wait and hope she fell asleep first. Clearly he needed to get used to this given he was the one to make the last second decision to bring her in here. He generally didn't make a habit of bringing anyone into his room but he hasn't been here even a month so was it really his room? This place was far from home to him.

All of that aside: he could tell she felt better being away from her room, for the moment. Even if having someone holding his hand was distracting, he would put up with it if it meant she wasn't thrashing about alone and unable to escape the nightmares.

The less effort he put into trying to relax, the better he seemed to be able to after a time. Her presence was like that of their connection that could be felt across a greater distance. The only difference between the two was proximity. Maybe he might actually get a good nights sleep for a change?]

Edited (accidentally posted too soon whoops) 2018-04-02 04:09 (UTC)

[ Without the distraction of him rubbing circles and their awkward conversation Rey is finally able to relax, the fact that she really was tired closing in around her.

A few minutes after silence fell between them her breathing evened out, and she drifted back into sleep, much less fitful this time. Her hold on his hand didn't loosen, almost like he's a life-line to keeping her grounded in reality. ]

[He thought it would be possible to sleep and yet he lays there, his hand in hers, and waits for the silence to lull him into his subconscious. He finds hearing her breathing to be calming enough but his mind keeps turning over thoughts that they had shared and he finds he can't turn his mind off and will himself to sleep.

Sighing, he forces himself to get comfortable again, his hand staying in hers as he does. Luckily this wouldn't be something he would have to get used to. He was doing her a favor - both of them, really. If he had left her alone she would have kept on filling his head with her screaming thoughts. Now she was blissfully devoid of them.

Looking down at her, he wonders - not for the first time - how this damned girl could get under his skin so easily. Carefully, he tucks her blanket comfortably against her curled up form while he watches her sleep. Seeing her at ease was slowly starting to put him at ease and he felt his eyes drift shut again.]

[ Several hours later when morning comes Rey stirs from a peacefully dreamless sleep feeling warm and like she'd had the best night of sleep in a long time. At first she thinks she's curled up against Padawan and smiles a little, stretching her arm out to stroke her hand over the mabari's fur, but her hand isn't met with the somewhat rough texture of mabari fur, but rather smooth skin.

That's when her mind catches up to her body, and she remembers she's in Kylo's bed. With Kylo. Somehow in their sleep they'd migrated closer together, close enough that her head was tucked up under his chin, her arm was draped around his waist and his was wrapped around her, and her leg, (bare leg, she realized in horror that she hadn't been wearing sleeping trousers) was sticking out of her blanket, hooked around one of his.

Trying not to panic or to let the fact that she was suddenly very awake and freaking out a little seep through their connection she starts trying to disentangle herself from him, starting with her leg. She tries to scoot away from him, as gently as possible. ]

[Like the snapping of a twig, even the smallest movement from her wakes him. His mind not catching up with the situation, Kylo's instincts kick in and he grabs the culprit's shoulders to pin them to the bed. His gaze is stern and menacing for a moment before he realizes who it is. His face lifts into one of surprise.]

Rey?

[Their legs are still very much tangled together, made worse by his attempt to pin her in his half awake state. He lets her go almost immediately as if he's been burned, one hand raking through his hair as he stumbles from the bed to his feet.]

Sorry, you- I guess I forgot about last night.

[ Rey lets out a little sound of alarm as he pins her, Padawan next to them in the bed's head shoots up, alert in a second as to if her partner is injured, but she's not, mostly surprised.

If she hadn't woken up so comfortable, curled up against him, she might have done the same thing. Hurrying to pull her blankets around her waist to conceal her bare legs she sits up, shaking her head. ]

It's fine. I would have done the same thing.

[ She looks embarrassed, trying to sort out her blankets on the bed from his, it's all sort of become a mess in sleep, and she doesn't want to leave the room exposed in any way. ]

[He doesn't want to look at her, feeling embarrassment - such a foreign feeling when he never let himself get close enough to anyone to ever feel it - creep up on him. When he does dare to look, having thrown a shirt over his torso, its to see that she has her blanket wrapped around her waist.

He doesn't know what to say so instead he just watches her, his eyes moving from her face down to her legs curled up beneath her blanket. His gaze travels back upwards in the same fashion, curiosity lingering in his thoughts. Had they really moved close to one another in their sleep? He definitely can't say it was just her doing. He remembers waking up to his arm wrapped around her before it sunk in that she was moving away and his instincts kicked in.]

How did you sleep?

[For lack of anything better to say, he wants to at least find out that much.]

Edited 2018-04-03 01:03 (UTC)

[ She's also pointedly not looking at him. It still flusters her to see him without a shirt, as used to shirtless men wandering around the training grounds as she's become. He's so entirely different, someone that she's seen in darkness, and in brief moments of light. She can feel his eyes on her, though, and eventually looks back at him, relieved to see he's found a shirt.

At his question she frowns, thinking for a moment, before her expression smooths out and she tilts her head. She realizes she feels like she got a better night of sleep than she's had in a long while, not that she's going to say as much aloud. She doesn't know why, but that feels like an admission of some kind, to something she isn't ready to admit. ]

I slept well. How about you?

[He runs a hand through his hair, shrugging his shoulders at her question. He hadn't ever slept beside someone before her. It left him open to vulnerabilities he didn't want to explore. She could have killed him in his sleep if she wanted to, for example. She could have snored - he could have snored - and he wouldn't have been the wiser until now.]

I slept. This place still takes getting used to. It's different, not having droids waiting for commands when you wake.

[She hadn't experienced this at home or here. He realizes he's lived quite a privileged life by comparison. He remembers as a boy that there had been a droid serving as a nanny - Elsie, his parents had called it. The thing had been so over zealous in it's duties that it often got under foot.
The First Order was no different, with it's droids that went swept about the halls of the Supremacy.]

I had to get used to the beds.

[ She offers, a corner of her mouth lifting. She'd never had droids in her face, aside from when BB-8 had come to her. The beds, though. She'd slept in a makeshift hammock most of her life, and on Ahch-To she'd slept on a stone slab. though the beds here were likely not as fine as some of the ones found in Hightown houses or Orlesian palaces, they were softer than anything she'd ever slept in.

Shifting herself she slides off the bed, careful to keep her blankets gathered around her waist as she does, straightening on the side opposite from him. ]

I'm sorry for this. It won't happen again.

[He takes her in, now standing on the other side of the bed. He could say he was inconvenienced by her presence but that would be wrong. He was the one who had brought her here.]

I didn't think you wanted to be alone, or I wouldn't have done it.

[Why that should matter, why he didn't just put her out of his mind, was beyond his control or understanding. He knew she felt it too, the pull they had on one another.]

I'm not used to having other people in my room.

[He'd never had real friends as he got older - his thoughts had always been too guarded for him to ever want to be closer to people. Having Snoke lurking like a dark shadow inside his mind had made it difficult for him, more so as the darkness in his heart grew.]

I'm not used to sharing a bed with someone, either.

[ But all the same she's very appreciative of him bringing her into his room, even if the wake up was embarrassing. Still, she'd gotten more sleep than she would have if she'd remained in her own room. She shifts a little, kind of wanting to run out the door, but also wanting to stay. It's a strange feeling. ]

[He stands for a moment, still watching her, and waits to see whether she might try to leave or if he should tell her to. He didn't know what to do, even if his instincts tell him to shut her out, along with the weakness lingering in his heart that she had put there.

He moves towards the door leading to the hall, her room just beyond it, and waits for her to follow him.]

I imagine you'll be wanting to go back to your room to get dressed.

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