letoldthingsdie | Inbox for prismatica

[ Finn wished he could trust him enough to at least believe that much. That Kylo- Ben really did hold Rey's wishes so dear. Maybe he did, Finn wasn't sure. The problem was that he wasn't sure. ]

If I had any, they don't matter. It's not like she's scared of you or unsure of herself or something like that. She knows what she's doing.

She didn't tell me much more than you had. Our friends that lived and the ones that didn't. Apparently I'm a general now. [ And he actually rolls his eyes at that. It feels unearned. Which... of course it does from his perspective. ] And she... found out where she came from. [ Still not using the "family" word...

He sighs and brings the glass up to his lips. ] Nothing else about you two, though. [ And sip.

Should he... say something about Leia...?

He opts not to for now. ]

Congratulations?

[The eye roll wasn’t missed. He can understand his lack of enthusiasm about it.]

I’m assuming that was Dameron’s idea?

[He was hesitant to talk about his mother. He couldn’t even talk about her with Rey. It was still too raw. He blamed himself, of course. Rey would probably try to comfort him if he did talk about it and he didn’t want that. He didn’t deserve to be comforted.]

She only found out because I told her. At the time I thought I could convince her to join me because of it, that we could destroy him and take his seat of power. Of course she said no.

[Eventually he found the strength to do the right thing, thanks to his mother lighting the way for him and his memory of his father guiding him. He just wished going the right way hadn’t cost him everything.]

Edited 2020-02-27 14:02 (UTC)

[ It feels like a gut punch when Poe's brought up and Finn sneers about it. After what Kylo did to him-... It's just a reminder of what Finn did to him. And what he almost did to him. What could have been. ]

I don't know why.

[ And he lets it drop without a snide remark. It's not like it matters... Finn relaxes his shoulders and brings himself back to the conversation. ]

She was probably agreeable with that middle part, at least... How did you find out?

[He downs more of his drink, not sure how much he should tell him. It doesn’t exactly paint him in a great light, not that it changed anything. Finn already didn’t trust him.]

Palpatine told me when I hunted him down with the intention to kill him. He said if I killed her he would give me his army. I agreed to his face, but I’m sure he knew better. I never intended to try and kill her.

[He had only ever wanted her to join him. From the moment he had met her in the interrogation room, when the dyad had first been created, he had asked her to join him. He offered to teach her and then offered her the galaxy until he finally gave his life in exchange for hers. Not a terrible way to die, all things considered.]

Edited 2020-02-27 22:45 (UTC)

[ Finn, of course, isn't sure he believes that Kylo never intended to kill Rey. He does, however, completely believe that he intended to kill Palpatine. After all, he was the man that controlled even Vader. ]

You hunted him down to kill him. Why didn't you do it when he told you? [ But, just like that, he knows the answer. Kylo underestimated him until that moment, probably. He would have lost the fight.

Or- ] Unless you thought he'd actually give you an army.

He did give me an army. I just gave it up.

[He knows Finn will want to ask why and is already mentally preparing himself. It was hard to even puzzle out his feelings for his parents to himself, let alone Rey or anyone else.]

I didn’t kill him because I thought I could get what I wanted.

[Rey was what he wanted, true, but he had also wanted to burn the galaxy to the ground. It didn’t help that the things he wanted most were at odds with each other.]

Sounds more like you gave the First Order to his army.

[ Not that Finn's complaining. Whatever ended up happening, it worked out in his favor. Supposedly. ]

Never mind. That doesn't matter now. [ He shakes his head and sighs, leaning on to the table like he's suddenly tired. And... wow, he is. He's been tired for months.

And, yeah, he has to ask. ] Why'd you do it? Give it up, I mean. Did someone back you into a corner or... was it for Rey? For yourself?

... Was there even a conscious reason at all?

[ He's asking the table, more like, and seems to be asking about something a lot more mundane than a man's decision to forfeit a war and turn away from the darkness. He's not being judgmental either, or at least isn't trying to be.

It's not a test. It's just curiosity. ]

Something like that.

[Finn is right, though. It doesn't matter now. The war was finished.]

My mother died and I felt it through the Force.

[That was the reason in the simplest of terms. He wouldn't say how much it had crushed him, how much he felt like he wanted to die - had expected to die when Rey had stabbed him and stood over him, victorious. She had surprised him when she had healed him.]

Somehow everything else felt small compared to that.

[ Finn isn't really surprised by this answer and he can almost relate to it, but-

But Solo.

How had that been so different? A different relationship perhaps? A different state of mind at the time? He wants to ask- He wants to be cruel enough to ask because he just doesn't understand the difference. And much of his lack of understanding is partly Kylo Ren's fault. Or Ben or whoever he wants to be called now. Names didn't change things that much.

Despite his anger, he suddenly remembers Poe's throat at the end of Skywalker's lightsaber and... the anger fades a bit... A lot.

Even then, he doesn't know what to say. He's not sorry. He doesn't want to blame Ben. He doesn't want to know how she died. He doesn't want to compare his own situation to this. ]

... I guess that doesn't matter either now. [ A little mean no matter how quiet and depressed he sounds, so he takes a drink to shut himself up for a second. ]

[He doesn't want to be angry but it's so tempting. He grips his cup tightly, staring down at it before looking up at Finn again, his jaw tight.]

No? She was your General. I'm sure her death matters to a lot of people.

[He wont justify himself, but his tone is decidedly more acidic. It wasn't as if he had asked for her and Rey to save him from himself. He had already been teetering even before he had met Rey. Killing his father had given him the push off the edge.]

Edited 2020-03-01 01:40 (UTC)

[ Finn grimaces before his face settles on scowling, looking back at Ben again. ]

Of course, she does. She matters to our whole galaxy. Who she was, what she stood for, all of that. But the why's and how's of her death, of you turning after- [ After losing one parent already. He swallows the words. ]

... After everything, all that matters is that the war's over. Again. For now. She spent most of her life trying to keep it dead and now I can only assume that burden's passed on. Time goes on, light and dark fight again, someone wins-

[ And Finn stops right there once realizing he was getting on a roll. He waves his glass like he's just batting that whole train of thought away, finding the point again somewhere. ]

It doesn't matter why you gave it all up. You did. That matters, too.

No doubt, the galaxy will rebuild itself again.

[It had no say in the matter, really. After what happened to Hosnian Prime and now Kijimi, people would need to rebuild their lives. Still, listening to Finn gave him some amusement despite the weight of the conversation.]

I just... didn't see a point in repeating my mistakes over and over.

[Which was as close as he would get to touching on his grief over his parents. Finn wasn't someone he could trust but he was someone Rey trusted and he wanted to give him something besides glares and refusals to justify himself. It was a delicate topic, one he still felt raw just thinking about.]

Again. It shouldn't have to.

[ But his anger evaporates a bit soon after. Not wanting to repeat mistakes. Yes, that... clears some things up, actually.

He lets out a long breath, shoulders relaxing again... ]

That's all in the past now. We can move forward from here... I don't know what reason you have to trust me and I still don't know why I should trust you, but we can try despite that. Right?

It's not that I find it completely impossible to trust you, I just didn't think we would be able to find common ground. Besides Rey, at least. I'm aware that our history makes it difficult and I'm sure if I were anyone else you would be supportive of whoever Rey decides to be with. That's all.

[He finishes his drink.]

I want us to be able to try for her sake. It's important to her.

[ They had a little too much common ground. Instead of making this easier, Finn wonders if it's not making it harder... ]

I support her with this, too. Rey sees something in you, something she... likes. [ Maybe loves. He doesn't know. ] We don't have to get along for me to support her.

But it would be easier if we did, so... I want us to try, too. I'd like to think this is a good first step.

[ They're not seeing totally eye-to-eye but they're also not destroying the tavern in an attempt to kill each other. Progress. ]

I know. I’ve given her more than a few chances for an out - before we went home and back, anyway. She is -

[He would laugh if it still didn’t feel so weird to. It comes out as a disbelieving scoff.]

- probably the most stubborn person I’ve ever met. We’ve been here almost a year and I thought it would be better - easier - if she were with someone else: you or Dameron or literally anyone else in the entire galaxy, but that’s impossible for her.

[He takes a breath, his hands clasped together against the table.]

We share a connection within the Force that even with the First Order’s resources at my disposal I barely understood it then or now. I thought that the worst feeling was her rejecting me, but then I died on Exegol and I think for her that’s been the worst feeling even if my life is tied to hers. I’ve never heard anything like a Force Dyad before this and I’ve been studying the ways of the Jedi and the Sith since I was a child.

[ He and Rey aren't like that, not really, but the mention of Poe and Rey gets some of his attention... They could work, and Finn doesn't know how he feels about that. Doesn't have to wonder either, he figures.

But then his attention is pulled back to this.

He takes a breath and lets it go. ]

She mentioned that. The dyad... [ It makes him wonder if Rey really had a choice at all - if either of them did - but he knows that it took more than that for Rey to choose him. There had to be. ] Are you still connected here? I hadn't asked her.

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