[At least he's made up for the things he's put her through, in small ways. He doubted everything else but his path with Rey seemed so much more clear than it had a few months ago. Yet put him back in their galaxy and he didn't know that this would be there waiting. He still felt lost.]
Things I've done on Snoke's orders. You may not see me as bad but the things I've done certainly aren't good either.
[He props himself up on one elbow when she settles again, his free hand settling on her waist.]
This is good. Really good but I don't want to forget that I've killed hundreds of people without batting an eye.
[He grimaces, realizing he's doing it again. Turning everything into some a list of reasons why Rey shouldn't choose him, why she'd be better off.]
Mm.
[He shakes his head, some dark shaggy curls falling into his eyes as he does. He's tired of constantly thinking about it and yet - if he doesn't remember what he's done, who will? He realizes that when these thoughts come up, his own darkness pollutes whatever light has come inside of him by being around her. His worst nightmare is that his moods, his negativity, will turn her off and make her want to leave.
Yet he knows. She's waited a long time for her family. She was good at waiting and fixing broken things.
Will you wait for me too?
He doesn't ask aloud, but he looks at her and searches for her hand to hold in his larger one. He felt better when they held hands, even if doing so in public had embarrassed him at first. He didn't want to be afraid of this like he was every other aspect of himself.]
no subject
[At least he's made up for the things he's put her through, in small ways. He doubted everything else but his path with Rey seemed so much more clear than it had a few months ago. Yet put him back in their galaxy and he didn't know that this would be there waiting. He still felt lost.]
Things I've done on Snoke's orders. You may not see me as bad but the things I've done certainly aren't good either.
[He props himself up on one elbow when she settles again, his free hand settling on her waist.]
This is good. Really good but I don't want to forget that I've killed hundreds of people without batting an eye.
[He grimaces, realizing he's doing it again. Turning everything into some a list of reasons why Rey shouldn't choose him, why she'd be better off.]
Mm.
[He shakes his head, some dark shaggy curls falling into his eyes as he does. He's tired of constantly thinking about it and yet - if he doesn't remember what he's done, who will? He realizes that when these thoughts come up, his own darkness pollutes whatever light has come inside of him by being around her. His worst nightmare is that his moods, his negativity, will turn her off and make her want to leave.
Yet he knows. She's waited a long time for her family. She was good at waiting and fixing broken things.
Will you wait for me too?
He doesn't ask aloud, but he looks at her and searches for her hand to hold in his larger one. He felt better when they held hands, even if doing so in public had embarrassed him at first. He didn't want to be afraid of this like he was every other aspect of himself.]